How To Annoy Severus Snape
by BethanyWrites
Summary: The gang finds a list in the girl's bathroom entitled "404 Ways To Annoy Snape". Bored, they decide to have a little fun with their professor. Thus, the prank war began. Friendships will form, yelling will ensue, and Hermione just might get Snape to prove that he really can smile. Set after DH, very AU.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

I hated to admit it, but we were bored. We had spent years fighting off Riddle, of running from terrors and fighting for our lives, and now we were expected to have a normal year at Hogwarts. It was barely even Hogwarts anymore. Not for us, at least.

All us seventh years who never got to finish school were allowed to go back. Rather than stick us with our fellow Gryffindors, McGonagall enlarged the Head Boy's and Head Girl's room to fit me, Ron, Harry, Draco, Neville, and Justin Finch-Fletchley. Being the only girl, I was constantly inviting Luna and Ginny to hang out in our common room. Nobody complained since Harry and Ginny, and Neville and Luna were officially going out. Draco never said much of anything to any of us, but Harry told me that his mother forbid him from saying nasty things to us. All part of the _being reformed_ act, he's said.

"I'm bored," I said as I worked on my Arithmacy essay. Ron gave me a startled look.

"Hermione bored? While doing homework? I'm shocked," Ron said, shaking his head in disappointment. I rolled my eyes.

"Honestly, I am too," Ginny said. She was sitting at Harry's feet working on a Charms essay. While Ginny was technically a seventh year, she had to finish all the sixth year work that she had missed from having to go on the run. It was the same way for Luna, Draco, and Neville.

"You were never even fighting Riddle," Harry said while lazily practicing some easy Transfiguration.

"I know. But while you were running around doing interesting stuff there was at least something to watch," Ginny complained. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Hey guys," Justin said as he came into the common room. "You won't believe what I found." He was holding a long scroll and, by the looks of it, it was a list of some sort.

"Blibber Dungets?" Luna asked, causing Neville to give her an appreciative smile. While Luna was still as spacey as ever, she was as bored as we were. She used her free time making up imaginary creatures just for the purpose of confusing Justin about them.

"No, ah, not whatever you said," Justin said, pausing for only a moment. "It's a list. I found it in the girl's bathroom."

"What?" I asked. "Why were you in a girl's bathroom?"

Justin blushed. "That doesn't matter, but the point is this list is golden."

"What is it? A list of the top hot guys at Hogwarts?" Ginny asked. "Because I've seen a lot of those, and they aren't accurate."

"No, it's a list of ways to annoy Snape," Justin said, smiling.

"Let me see," Ron said, grabbing the paper. He started reading before bursting out laughing. "Oh man," he said, "he would kill you for that."

"What?" Harry asked, looking up. While Harry greatly respected Snape after the Final Battle, he still didn't like him.

"Here. Number eight," Ron said, handing the paper over.

Harry started laughing before passing the list to Ginny, who then passed it to me. I skimmed over the list (the word shampoo popped up more than twice) while grinning slowly.

"I think I know how to make our year a little more interesting," I said, focusing on number 28; Send him love letters from Trelawney.

"Are you kidding?" Ron said. "You're the one always telling us to respect Snape!"

I grimaced. "I know. But you know, I know, and everyone else knows that all he is a grumpy old bat. At least we'll have some fun this year, and maybe we'll get him to lighten up."

"If he doesn't kill us!" Neville exclaimed, grabbing the list. "Number 54: Tell Snape that you're the father of your child. In the middle of the Great Hall. If he denies it, run away screaming that 'I thought we had something special!' He would kill us!"

I rolled my eyes. "Well we'd obviously not do things on the list that require us ourselves to do anything drastic. We could do stuff like… Number 16: Dress up as Snape for Halloween. He couldn't do anything but assign detentions and dock points. First off, he can't dock points from us," I said, "and camping in the middle of nowhere without any food is a lot worse than scrubbing a caldron without magic."

"I think it's a fantastic idea," Draco drawled as he came down from the boys' rooms. Some of us cursed.

"It was just a joke, Malfoy," Ron said quickly. "No need to go running to Snape to tattle on us."

"No, Weasley, I was being serious. Snape should be knocked down a few pegs. Besides, if you want to annoy Snape, you'll need the Slytherins on your side," he said matter-of-factly. We all gaped at him.

"I think that this would count as inter-house cooperation," Luna said in a distant voice. "If we get caught, that's what we can blame it on."

"You're brilliant!" Ron exclaimed, hugging Luna.

"That's fine and all, but what if he find out?" Neville asked.

"Blame it on me," Harry, Draco, and I said at once.

"I'm the smartest girl in the school, they won't expel me," I said.

"I defeated Riddle, they _really_ won't expel me," Harry said.

"I don't care if I'm expelled," Draco added.

"I'm happy to let you all take the blame," Ron said, "as long as someone does number 32: Publish a newspaper called the Daily Snape. Have it include every single thing that Snape has done for the entire day. All we need is Harry's invisibility cloak for that one. We'll just have to follow him around a bit, then transfigure an old copy of the Quibbler and leave it around where everyone can get to it."

Ginny snatched the list again. "It's almost October. If we factor in holidays and those random days where Snape just disappears, we still wouldn't have enough time to do all the things on this list! There is over 500 things on here!"

"Well," I said, smiling, "we better get to work."

-Number 45-

I looked around the classroom. I was glad that Snape was still stationed in the dungeons, even though he taught DADA, simply because that meant that it would take exactly five minutes for him to get back to his classroom if Luna sounded the alarm. What I had to do wouldn't take five minutes, but it might take me that long to hide myself.

I slowly pulled all of Lockhart's books out of my bag. Not only were they my Lockhart books, but I also collected them from everyone else who was in on the plan. Since Harry's autobiography was unread and had his signature, I decided to put it in the center of Snape's desk. The rest I laid artfully around the classroom. I was going to leave it at that, but I decided that an Enlargement Charm and a Sticking Charm were needed.

I felt my DA coin grow hot in my pocket, so I quickly headed for the door. I put a simple detection charm on the doorway, so that I would know exactly when to signal Ginny. Even though it was a very simple prank, I couldn't help but hope that it worked. If it did everyone, especially Neville, would be that much more excited to get on to the next prank.

When I was safely in another part of the castle, I felt the ping that signaled Snape entering his classroom. I quickly spelled the DA coin to alert Ginny, so that she could finish carrying out the plan. I then headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. We wouldn't know how things went until after Ginny's DADA lesson, when we would all meet back at the Eighth Year's common room.

"How'd it go?" Ron asked as I sat down. "He was already in a foul mood when he left this morning. He muttered something about his coffee tasting funny."

Harry snickered. "That would be my fault. I convinced Dobby that Snape wanted vomit flavored Berry Bott's Every Flavor Bean dissolved in his coffee from now on."

"Number 334?" I asked, impressed. I was wondering why Harry had sent out a large order to Honeydukes.

"Yeah. I gave about forty vomit flavored beans to Dobby. I told him that if he ran out to come to me. I saved the earwax one too."

"And you looked through how many bags of beans?" I asked. How much time would that have taken?

"Nope. I just Summoned them," Harry said with a grin. He looked over my shoulder and his grin faded. "Oh no," he muttered. Neville, who had been silent until that point, looked around in alarm, as if Snape was going to spring up from nowhere and put him in detention.

"He kicked me out," Ginny said with a somber face. "But," she continued, grinning, "I still saw enough to make it worth it. We can go up an watch now, if you want. Snape's so mad that I don't think he'd notice if I showed up late for class."

"I don't want you late," I said, weighing the pros and cons, "but let's go!" I grabbed some pieces of toast and threw a meaningful glance at Malfoy on the way out. He had been sitting alone at the Slytherin table, as usual, and seemed like he could do with a laugh. I used the DA coin to talk to Justin, and Neville just grabbed Luna from the Ravenclaw table. We were soon alone in the Eighth Years' common room with Harry's Pensive.

"Don't be trying to get a look at anything but Ginny's memory," he warned Draco. He had bought himself a Pensive as soon as the war was over. There were a lot of gruesome things that had happened over the years that he didn't really want to remember all that much.

"Like I'd be interested in your past," Draco said. Nevertheless, he was showing interest in the stone bowl filled with silver liquid. I stepped in front of him casually and looked down at the Pensive to block off his view. It looked like a scene from the Final Battle was floating to the top.

"Got it?" Harry asked as Ginny removed her memory of Snape.

"It feels weird… but yeah," she said, pushing the memory down.

"Now, everyone just stick a finger in, and we should be able to go in," Harry instructed. He did as we were told. Nothing happened.

"Perhaps at least one of us has to stick out head in?" I suggested. Harry nodded and slowly lowered his face into the Pensive. I thought that we'd have to view the memory one-by-one after all, until I felt myself falling into the memory.

We were in the hallway, right outside of the DADA classroom. It looked just how I left it only a quarter hour before. Ginny slowly walked up to the door and knocked. Already, we could hear cursing coming from inside.

"-vain prick, stupid arse-" Snape whipped the door open. Ginny jumped a little in surprise, but quickly remembered the plan.

"Hello, sir, I was wondering if you could help me for a second?" she asked, already trying to edge into the classroom. Even though Snape had blocked the classroom with his body, we could still see past him to where Lockhart's face towered over everything.

"I'm busy," he growled. He tried closing the door, but Pensive-Ginny smoothly slipped into the classroom. Only one of the books had been removed, and the biggest one with Lockhart's signature was still smoldering.

"I didn't know you were a Lockhart fan, Professor," Pensive-Ginny said with wide eyes. Real-Ginny giggled behind me.

"I'm a great actress," real-Ginny said.

"I'm not," Snape growled. "What do you want, Miss Weasley?"

Neville was shaking in fear just from memory-Snape. Luna put a comforting had on his back and whispered something about Nagini.

"Well, its just that I don't have any other male teachers, besides Hagrid, Professor Flitwick, Professor Slughorn, and- er, Firenze, and I was wondering if you could help me out with something?" Pensive-Ginny asked. Ron and Harry were already grinning. While we hadn't worked out exactly what Ginny would say, we knew that with her mind, it would be brilliant.

"What do you want, Miss Weasley?" Snape ground out. "This is hardly a good time for me." Out of the covers of one of the over-sized books, Lockhart winked at us.

"I was just wondering," Pensive-Ginny said in an innocent voice, "what-if-you-know-that-a-boy-likes-you-but-he's-really-famous-and-you-don't-know-whether-or-not-you-really-like-him-as-much-as-he-likes-you-but-you-really-want-to-like-him-and-have-his-children-?"

"Miss Weasley! That is enough! Get out!" Snape almost pushed Ginny out the door before slamming it in her face. Ginny giggled and quickly slid an Extendable Ear under the door.

"-Merin's arse. Who the fuck hates me this much that they would…? Fucking tosser, Lockhart." Something exploded. "Bloody students. Bet it was a Gryffindor. I'll talk to Minerva about her bloody students. She thinks they're all fucking _sunshine_ and bloody _kittens_…" Something made a very large ripping noise. "I'll make her a bloody kitten!"

We came out of the Pensive doubled over in laughter. Even Draco, who usually didn't show emotion around us, was chuckling.

"I've never heard him swear like that!" Justin exclaimed.

"You should have heard him at Order meetings," Harry said with a smile. "He has a filthy mouth. He just doesn't use it around students."

"I've really got to get to class," Ginny said, kissing Harry on the cheek returning the memory to her mind.

"Me too," Luna said serenely. "I have Charms with the Hufflepuffs," she said before drifting out the door.

"And I've got Muggle Studies," Neville said, following her out.

"That was brilliant," Ron said. I nodded while catching my breath.

"I've somewhere to be," Draco said before also leaving the room.

"Why did he even agree to help us?" Harry asked once we took a seat. I shrugged as I un-shrunk my toast and began nibbling on the corners.

"Probably because he's planning on turning us in," Ron said, narrowing his eyes.

"No, he signed the paper. He knows what will happen to his flawless face if he tells," I said. I didn't know why Draco wanted to prank Snape either. It wasn't like Snape had ever done anything to him.

"Well then, I guess time will tell," Harry said, taking the list out of his bag. "Now, what other things can we do today?"

-Number 168-

"Miss Granger, what are you doing?" Snape asked, looming over me. I was pretending to read something under my desk as he lectured to try to get him to do exactly what he was doing at that moment.

Quick-as-lightening, I pinned a SPEW badge onto his robes.

"Rallying for house elves, sir," I said in an innocent voice. He nearly growled at me as he whipped the badge off and threw it in Harry's direction. For DADA me, Harry, and Justin were grouped with the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws since there was such a large number of students in the Gryffindor seventh year. Neville and Ron got to take class with the Gryffindors, as well as the Slytherins and Draco.

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" Snape exclaimed.

"But sir, you can't deduct house points from-" Harry was cut off.

"Eighth year students, yes, I know. Ten points to Gryffindor," Snape growled. It probably killed him to give us our points back. That was a bonus to this little prank. "You may write me an essay, Miss Granger, on how you became such an insufferable know-it-all." The rest of the class laughed, but I wasn't the least bit embarrassed. Seeing Snape half-dead on the floor of the Shrieking Shack and helping stop him from going beyond the veil made his petty bards a lot less potent than they used to be.

-Number 34-

We were to watch one of Draco's memories, this time. We crowded around the Pensive and got ready to fall in as Draco deposited his memory and lowered his head to look. We fell and found ourselves in the dungeon corridor that Draco had advised us to use. Only Slytherins knew where Snape's quarters were, and thanks to Draco, so did we.

Harry and Draco were quickly moving down the hall. Draco muttered a few spells and Harry fell to the floor while ropes slowly covered him. Draco dragged Harry in front of a painting of a grumpy looking wizard, knocked, and fled across the hall to hide himself under the Invisibility Cloak.

Snape opened the door slowly and looked around in confusion. He took a step into the hall and looked around, before finally noticing Harry. He scowled.

"What's the meaning of this, Potter?" he barked. Harry, being unconscious, didn't hear him. "Bloody Boy-Who-Lived. Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Pain-In-My-Arse is more like it." Snape revived Harry quickly and unbound him. He snatched the tag off of his sweater that read _Merry Christmas Severus._

"Professor?" Harry questioned, squinting up at Snape. Harry must have taken acting lessons from Ginny, who was quite enjoying herself as she watched Snape blow up like a bullfrog.

"What are you doing here Potter?" Snape demanded. "What is the meaning of this?"

"I dunno, sir," Harry said, slowly standing up. "I thought I was on my way to the Great Hall…"

"Dunderhead, get back to your common room," Snape growled before slamming the door shut. Harry smiled and looked around the empty corridor until Draco's head appeared.

"I knew I saw your head in Hogsmead…"

The memory dissolved and we landed back in our common room. Everyone was grinning. Especially Harry.

"I'm surprised that he didn't kick me while I was down there," Harry said. "I could have sworn that my ribs were sore when I got up…"

"I might have put a bit more effort into the Stunning Spell than actually necessary," Draco confessed with a bad innocent look. Ginny laughed and slapped him on the back. Draco looked surprised before smiling slowly.

"So, what's next?" Ron asked, looking at the list.

"Halloweens coming up," Neville said. "I think we should try number 390, if that's okay…"

Luna smiled and kissed Neville on the cheek. "I knew you'd get into the spirit," she said in an unusually clear voice.

"Cheers for Neville!" Ron announced.

"Hip hip, Hooray! Hip hip, Hooray!"

* * *

**A/N:** Disclaimer- I don't own anything, including the list they're working from. You can find it if you Google '404 ways to annoy Snape.'  
Obviously this is AU. And the characters will be a little (or a lot) OC. But hey, I'm just having fun here.

Reviews are welcome! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

-Number 390-

It was Halloween. Justin, being the least likely to be killed by Snape, had been Transfigured beautifully. His clothes were actually Snape's, stolen from the wash and shrunk, and I had made his hair longer, black, and greasy, made his nose bigger, his skin was a lot paler, and I turned his eyebrows pink. He looked like Snape's twin, but with pink eyebrows.

"Got your coins, everyone?" I asked. Harry was going to head off Dumbledore before the Halloween feast, send me a message with the results, and then Luna was going to distract Snape while I made some changes to his wardrobe. Draco, to avoid suspicion, was to wait in the Great Hall. Then, we would all meet in an unused classroom on the first floor to quickly go back over the plan. It was a solid plan. Much easier to follow than _find the Horcruxes_.

Neville, of course, pointed out that we were going way beyond number 390, but that didn't matter to us. We were having fun! And possibly engaging Death, if Snape found out who was doing these things to him….

We set off to get into position. I was under the cloak, Harry was going to track Dumbledore down with the map, and Luna was waiting by the stairs leading up from the dungeons. Everyone else would wait in the classroom.

"What if someone points out his clothes before he gets to the Great Hall?" Luna asked, talking to me even though I was invisible.

"I'll cast a Silencing Charm," I replied. I was also ready to Stun them, if necessary, since chances are it would be a Slytherin.

When we got into our positions, I waited for Harry's message. Before he sent it, however, Snape left his rooms. Cue Luna.

I followed him to the staircase after subtly using the coin to alert her. She was sitting there, her shoulders shaking, with her head in her hands. Snape slowed as he approached her. He was wearing his custom all black attire with his billowing cape. That wouldn't last long.

"Miss Lovegood, are you quite alright?" he asked. No one but Luna would dress with such a large blue bow and purple dress.

"He broke up with me!" she exclaimed hysterically, jumping up and grabbing a hold of Snape's robes. I hadn't expected her to be so convincing about it. I had actually just expected her to go on about some make up six-legged creature.

"Miss Lovegood, unhand me," he said, clearly surprised. "What are you doing down here?" he asked softly. Well, for him, it was softly. He was still kind of yelling at her.

"He broke up with me! He broke up with me and I'm pregnant with his child!" she cried. I had to stifle my giggle. Snape looked completely lost.

"Perhaps you should take this to your Head of House," he said. In response, she wrapped her hands around his legs, almost knocking him over.

As she continued crying about how she was going to have to raise the baby on her own, Harry sent me the message. It said pale green and purple. Perfect.

I quickly transfigured Snape's robes, keeping them black at the top so that he wouldn't notice (hopefully) and I quickly got in Luna's line of vision and shot blue sparks with my wand. Luna sobered up instantly.

"I think that will get me into the school play, don't you?" she asked in a dreamy voice before standing up and drifting away. Snape looked utterly confused.

"Bloody mad students," he mumbled before shaking his head and continuing to the Great Hall. I followed him. Hopefully, no one would tell him about his clothes, which looked absolutely ridiculous. They were normal until you got to four inches below his shoulders, where they turned into a shocking green and purple striped pattern reminiscent of my grandparent's bathroom wallpaper.

He opened the doors to the Great Hall and went unnoticed for about two seconds before everyone broke out in whispering. Snape glared at them, but it was too late. The entire hall was looking at him. I didn't see what happened after that, since I couldn't very well hold the doors open just to gawk at him. Draco would show us later, in the Pensive.

Once in the classroom, I took the cloak off and gave it back to Harry.

"They were green with purple stars," he said. I shrugged. The coins' messages could only be so long.

"I went for stripes." I pulled out my wand. "Okay, one last thing."

"What?" Justin asked, looking down. "I look just like him!"

"You're too short," I said, smiling. I took two pencils out of my pocket, cast an enlargement charm, and then vanished Justin's shoes. "Time for the finishing touch. Number 390."

"Yeah, but you didn't have to vanish my shoes…" Justin grumbled. "What good are pencils going to be?"

"They're stilts," I said. "Now you can really intimidate people," I said. Justin smiled. Being Mugglborn, he knew what stilts were and carefully stood up in them. I didn't want to know why he knew how to walk in them.

"Make his cape bigger," Luna said dreamily. I nodded and made it fall all the way to the ground. I also lengthened his trousers so that they went to the ground. He now looked like a fifteen foot Snape.

"Let's go, before he calms down," Ron said, opening the door. I wondered if Snape had gotten his robes back to their normal color. The charm hadn't been that complex. "Everyone remember the plan," he said, grinning as Justin had to duck to get outside.

"May I ask how you can walk in those?" Harry asked, laughing.

"My parents let me go to clown school when I was ten to get 'all that silliness' out of my system," he said, scowling like Snape. "Now, you dunderheads, get to the feast!"

Ginny giggled and opened the doors for Justin. Normally, people wouldn't have looked to see who was coming in to eat, but as Justin was almost as tall as Hagrid, people noticed him. Of course, they started snickering.

Snape was at the Head Table. His robes were again black, and he looked furious. Dumbledore was twinkling. They were both watching Justin's entrance. Snape didn't look too amused.

"Detention!" Justin yelled in a deep voice. "Detention for everyone! Everyone but," Justin paused dramatically, "Harry Potter!"

"Cool," Harry said loudly. Snape looked read to hex him. Everyone else was either shocked or enjoying the show.

"For you, Mr. Potter, you get detention every day for a year!" Justin exclaimed before dramatically strolling up between the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw table. He winked at a few people as he passed.

"Come on," I said, leading everyone to our seat. Ginny and Ron entered after we had taken our seat, followed by Neville and Luna. We had agreed that only me and Harry would look like we were in on the joke, so that if we did get in trouble, it wouldn't be all of us.

"Albus!" Justin exclaimed, bending over so that he could pat Dumbledore on the head. "I really think that it's time I get a raise!" he exclaimed. Dumbledore chuckled and nodded in agreement.

"What's the meaning of this?" Snape asked. The room became quiet. Now it was time for Justin to smooth things over.

"Oh! Look at this handsome man over here!" he exclaimed, walking so that he was across the table from Snape. "I do believe that this dashing young man might just be the second most handsome man in this room! The best looking going to Professor Binns, of course," Justin yelled, causing Binns to look up from his spot among the other ghosts.

"That's quite enough out of you," growled Snape, standing up. "Detention, Mister…" Snape trailed off, apparently at a loss of who Justin actually was. I was excellent in Transfiguration, after all.

"Snape, my good sir," Justin replied while turning on his heal and walking towards Professor Trelawney, who's eyes looked bigger than normal. He bowed to her dramatically.. "My good lady," he said, before beginning to comically run from the room. The stilts really made it all better. His cape flew behind him and almost took out a few Ravenclaws.

"Alas!" Dumbledore called out, mostly silencing everyone. "What a marvelous way to start Halloween!" he exclaimed, clapping. Everyone, but Snape, began clapping along with him. "Let the feast begin!" he exclaimed. Food appeared on everyone's plate, and the Snape imposter was forgotten.

"Looks like we're not going to even get in trouble," Harry said in excitement as Dumbledore calmed Snape down.

"Don't you have to go back and make Justin look like Justin again?" Neville asked in a hushed voice.

"He'll be able to take care of everything," I said. I had even asked Justin. He said that he would have transfigured himself into Snape, except that he didn't know how to make hair longer.

"Think he's annoyed yet?" Ginny asked, giggling.

"I'd say he's ready to kill," Ron said, "but we have much more in store for him."

"I'd feel bad if I didn't think that he needed this. Everyone needs to be able to laugh at themselves," I said. Everyone nodded.

"But we should still be careful," Ginny cautioned us. "If he smiles, his face might crack."

We all burst into laughter again. A sixth year asked what was so funny, and Harry managed to make up a lie about me telling a funny Knock Knock joke. Not being Muggleborn, they had no idea what that was, so they went back to ignoring us eighth years.

-Number 11-

"We better pick one Muggle and one Wizard article," Ginny said, picking up _Witches' Weekly._ "I'll find something in here about hair."

I Summoned some old Muggle magazines from my room. "Here, let's look for anything that's completely random," I said, tossing everyone a magazine. Justin wrinkled his nose.

"This is a chemistry magazine," he complained.

"Good. Look for something," I said, rolling my eyes. I was reading the Muggle equivalent of _Witches' Weekly._ It was horrid.

"I got it," Ginny said. "Hair tips for men!"

"Read it!" Ron commanded. Ginny hit him over the head, rolled her eyes, then did as she was told.

"_What us witches want to know is why men can't take better care of their hair! Wizards, it's not that hard! If your hair is greasy, wash it! If your hair if dry and frizzy, just buy a moisturizing shampoo! If you have a flaky scalp, buy Wizards' Wash For Healthy Hair!_" Ginny grinned. "It keeps going."

"Excellent," I said, handing Ginny a pair of scissors. She cut the article out and handed it over.

"How about this?" Harry asked. "It's all about lobsters. They apparently discovered a new color of lobster off the coast of… well, it says ME. So the states?" Harry just tore the article out.

"I'll get up early to mail it," Draco said. We looked at him. He shrugged. "I had something else to send, anyways."

"Don't forget the extra note: _look for hidden clues,_" Ginny said, yawning.

"And make sure that he can't recognize your handwriting," I added. Draco, being a Slytherin and one of Snape's favorite, could blow everything if Snape found out it was him.

"Well," Luna yawned, "we better be getting back to our rooms." She looked pointedly at Ginny.

"It is getting late," Neville said, standing up and kissing Luna. "I've got to get up early to finish my Charms essay," he added before going up to the boys' room.

Ron grinned and looked at the list again. He was certainly enjoying the whole ordeal more than any of the rest of us. He still hated Snape, after all.

-Number 227-

"Hermione," Harry said quietly over breakfast, "I think you should start number 277 today;_ run from the room any time Snape picks up his spoon at mealtimes_."

"That should be fun," Ginny said, putting her head on Harry's shoulder.

"What if I miss him getting his mail?" I asked. I wasn't against making a fool of myself. I just wanted to see Snape's face when he got his 'hidden clues.'

"We'll tell you what happens," Ron said. "Seeing as it's almost time for the mail to come, and he isn't here yet, you should probably be good. What would he use a spoon for, anyways? I hardly think he's the kind of man to eat oatmeal."

"You're right," I said, looking back to the doors of the Great Hall. If Snape didn't show up at all, we'd have a problem. Well, not so much a problem as a missed opportunity to see him come close to igniting the Great Hall.

"He's here," Neville said, looking back into his breakfast. I looked over my shoulder to see Snape coming right for me. Which was odd. Usually, he either walked between the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, or the far end of the hall by the Slytherins, depending on how much he wanted his coffee.

"Does he know?" Justin mouthed across the hall as I locked eyes with him. I shrugged and quickly turned back to the table to take a sip of my pumpkin juice.

"Miss Granger," Snape's smooth voice rang out across our table. Almost every single Gryffindor was silent. Which, let me tell you, doesn't happen very often.

"Yes, sir?" I asked in a calm voice. Hell, if we all got expelled for this, we'd all have a career in acting.

"Your essay was, to put it simply, horrible. I'll be seeing you tonight at seven for detention," he said, throwing my essay into my food.

"I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!" I exclaimed, looking up at him indignantly. He paused for a second before deciding to ignore me.

"He gave me a T!" I exclaimed. "I thought Fred and George were joking about that being a real grade!"

"Even I never did that bad," Neville said sympathetically.

"What's that bit that's all circled?" Ron asked, trying to read the parchment upside-down. I frowned and looked at it.

Oh. Yeah. Maybe a 'T' was fair.

"_Foremost, I've always wanted to please my favorite teacher- Professor Sevvie Snape_." Everyone laughed. "_Though his greasy hair, jealousy of my best friend Harry Potter, unfriendly manner, unkind disposition, hating of my best friend Harry Potter's house, severe clothing, tendency to hate everyone who is not in Slytherin, habit to hate my best friend Harry Potter, uncanny sunny disposition, appearance of an overgrown bat, longing for my best friend Harry Potter's Order of Merlin, eyes that make me think of death, and candy corn-colored teeth might turn some people off the idea of having Professor Snape as their hero, it certainly did nothing but encourage me. In fact, Professor Slughorn says I'm just as he remembers 'Severus' when he was a student._"

"Did he really?" Ginny questioned between laughs.

"Of course not," I said, rolling my eyes. "But he's likely to be so upset over it that he won't even want to confront Slughorn."

"Well go on," Ron said, obviously enjoying story time.

"_While Professor Snape has never raised his hand in class and waved it around like he was trying to catch a low-flying Snitch, I would just guess that that would be because he is the Professor, and therefore would need a slight mental illness to answer his own questions in class. Above all, I just hope that Professor Snape will some day see this essay and know that all my insufferable know-it-all behavior was always to gain his praise._" I paused and squinted at the narrow, messy scrawl next to the circled paragraph. "Oh, this is his extra note. _Miss Granger, while you have, indeed, mastered the use of adjectives, I suggest that you refrain from calling me anything but Professor Snape, sir, or Your Lordship, if you wish to continue living in a multiple-celled body._"

Everyone erupted in laughter once more. Who knew that Snape had a sense of humor? It was either that, or he was planning on killing the Queen and/or enslaving me.

I couldn't help but look up to Snape's place at the Head Table, since he must have known what we were laughing at. He was still scowling at me, but one eyebrow was raised a fraction of an inch.

My eyes were drawn down as he poured coffee into his mug. I watched him pour some milk in, before he reached for his spoon. I quickly grabbed the essay and shoved it into my bag.

"Gotta go," I said, running from the room as soon as he had picked up his spoon. I was, of course, sad to miss his reaction from the messages we had sent, but I guessed it was worth it, since I knew he had been paying attention to me.

-Number 77-

Apparently, Snape didn't read his mail at mealtimes, so I hadn't even missed anything. However, we would continue sending him articles until he started incinerating them on arrival.

Our next task was going to be led by Ginny, since everyone had agreed that I better not do anything for a while. My detention certainly could have been worse, as I'd only had to grade papers, but I didn't want to act too soon and make Snape suspect something.

Well, being the paranoid git that he was, he would know to suspect something, but hopefully his suspicion wouldn't be aimed at us specifically.

"You're stepping on my foot," Ron complained. Him, Neville, and Luna were underneath the Invisibility Cloak. I didn't know how they all managed to fit, but they did, and not even their shoes were visible. Harry, Justin, and I were all under Disillusionment Charms. Ginny was waiting for Snape to come down the corridor, and Draco had opted out of viewing this number.

"Shut it," Harry hissed back. No doubt Neville really was stepping on his toe, but nevertheless we had to stay hidden. Which was why we didn't bother having Ron or Neville Disillusion themselves. Luna probably could have done it, even though she hadn't been taught yet, but she said dreamily that she preferred the cloak.

"Here he comes," Justin said in a very low whisper.

Ginny was hiding behind a suit of armor. Just as Snape came into view, she walked into the middle of the floor and laid down. It was clear that Snape considered ignoring her, but he stopped just short of stepping on her and looked down.

"What is the meaning of this, Miss Weasley?" Snape asked. He was scowling. It seemed as if he was wearing even more black than usual. Perhaps more layers?

"I've fallen and I can't get up, sir," she said.

"Fallen, Miss Weasley?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow. "I seem to recall you walking out and laying down."

"You're mistaken, sir," Ginny said in a painfully innocent voice. "You see, I've fallen and I can't get up."

"Perhaps this requires a trip to the hospital wing?" he asked, smirking.

"I've fallen and I can't get up! How shall I get to the hospital wing?" Ginny asked, looking past Snape. Mission Run Like Hell was about to commence.

"I shall take care of that," he said, his voice sounding both amused and angry. "Levi-"

"A ghost!" Ginny yelled before getting up and running faster than I would have thought possible. Coincidentally, the Fat Friar had drifted out of a wall right at that moment, making the entire thing even better.

"It seems that you've scarred off a student, Severus!" the Fat Friar exclaimed joyfully.

"Indeed," Snape said before putting his wand away and continuing up the corridor. He seemed to look extra hard at the spot where I was hiding, but he must have decided that nothing was wrong, as he continued on his way.

We made our way to the library, as planned. We all made ourselves visible again, with the exception of Justin, who thought that Cloak was amazing and wanted to use it to whisper into the ear of anyone we passed. This included Filch, a few other Hufflepuffs, and a seventh year Slytherin that ran clear into a stone hippogriff.

When we got into the library, it was clear that Ginny had been laughing. Her eyes were wet and she was smiling so much that her entire face lit up. She certainly enjoyed herself.

"That was brilliant," Harry said, hugging her. Ron made a face and pretended to be watching Madam Pince.

"And we learned something, as well," Luna said in a misty voice. We all stared at her.

"What would that be?" Neville asked.

"Professor Snape read the articles," she said, smiling and drifting over to the section of the library that apparently knew all about her made-up creatures.

"What does that mean?" Ron asked thickly. "Was he talking about lobsters?"

"You prat," Ginny said, rolling her eyes, "that's just stupid. I think she was talking about his hair."

"His hair?" Justin asked, making a funny face.

"Yes. It wasn't greasy at all. It looked pretty good, actually. It had even started to curl a little in the back," Ginny said matter-of-factly. Harry and Justin pretended to gag.

"Oh then, he's a right attractive chap then," Ron said sarcastically. "The only drawback is his face, personality, and in Hermione's words, his _sunny disposition._"

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**A/N:** Reviews _still_ welcome :)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Snape was shirtless! And swimming in the Black Lake! The Giant Squid was playing… what is it? Volleyball! The Giant Squid and Snape are playing volleyball! But how's Snape walking on water! And what happened to his shirt? Though it is a nice chest…

Someone knocked on the door, and I woke up. The remnants from the dream came creeping back to me. If Professor Snape had a body like the Snape in my dreams, he had no excuse for being single. None at all.

_What are you thinking_? I chided myself. _Like the personality isn't an excuse._

Someone knocked again, more urgently, so I quickly dressed and opened the door.

"Hermione! Come quick! Malfoy and Ron are dueling in the common room!" Neville exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me down the stairs.

"Stupid Weasel! I don't know what you're talking about!" Draco said, keeping up his shied.

"Don't play dumb with me, Ferret. Are you trying to tell me Harry did it?" Ron asked, firing a hex.

"What's going on?" I asked sleepily. They'd been getting on so well. Or, at least, they hadn't been hexing each other… until now.

"The ferret here vandalized our emblem," Ron said at the same time Draco answered, "Wealsey's gone mad!"

"Wait," I said, glancing up at the Gryffindor flag. The lion, usually looking fierce and brave, was colored pink and was wearing a bonnet. Next to it, the Hufflepuff's flag featured the backside of a badger, and the Ravenclaw's flag had a chicken pecking at the ground. The Slytherin flag alone remained untouched. "You're fighting over the house flag?"

"I'm just defending myself!" Draco exclaimed, strengthening his shield to prove his point. I sighed and hexed Ron silently. He hadn't expected an attack from behind, so he fell flat on his face, rigid as a board. Draco nodded in thanks and sheathed his wand.

"Did you Transfigure the flags?" I asked. Draco sneered.

"You think I'm dumb enough to have singled myself out like that? I'm not so loyal to my house that I would have left the Slytherin flag alone and risk _Weasel's_ wrath."

I sighed. "What about Harry? Where is he?"

"He's out with Ginny," Neville said from the stairwell, where he'd been avoiding Ron's ricocheting spells. "I don't think he would have done it, though."

"Me either," I said. I slipped Ron's wand from his hand and said the counter curse.

"Oi!" Ron exclaimed, jumping up. "What was that all about?"

"I know you heard all that, so try to act like an adult," I said. I handed his wand back, keeping my own trained on him until he slipped it into his pocket. "Now, why don't we try to figure out who could have done this?"

"We're the only ones who know the password," Ron said. "Us, Ginny, and Luna. Unless Draco told one of his Slytherin friends…"

"Oh, lay off, Weasel," Draco said. "For one, what I said about myself would apply to the rest of the Slytherins. For another, have you seen me bringing _friends_ back here lately? Who, exactly, would I have given the password to?" As Draco was the only Slytherin from his year left, Ron had no guesses for this.

"The teachers have the password too," Neville said. "They have the passwords to all the dorms."

"Yeah, and-"

"Snape!" I exclaimed, cutting Ron off. "It has to be Professor Snape! He's decided to play along!"

"But that means he knows who's doing this," Neville said. At that moment, Justin chose to come back from breakfast. He was happily nibbling on a muffin, apparently unaware of the furry patches on the front of his robes that spelled out _Game On_.

"Isn't that against school rules?" Ron asked.

"It's just a muffin," Justin said defensively, still not noticing the message.

"Isn't what we're doing against the rules?" I countered, grinning. Things were going to be so much more fun if he was playing.

-Number 62-

Snape had given us book work to read, deciding to spend his class time grading. Figuring that it was as good a time as any, I cast a spell on the group of quills scattered about his desk. It was a spell I'd worked hard on. I'd even consulted Professor McGonagall at one point, though she had not been informed as to what the spell would be used for.

"Miss Granger, while I'm sure you've read the book multiple times, kindly stop staring at me and find something productive to do," Snape drawled lazily without even looking up. I put my head down, straining my eyes to keep him in my vision, and watched as he reached for one of his quills. As soon as it touched his hand, it turned into an ornate peacock feather that was too ostentatious for even a Malfoy.

The members of the class who'd seen it happened giggled, but Snape quickly silenced them with a glare. He didn't acknowledge me, though he had to have known who'd done it, but instead threw the quill into the trash and picked up another one. It too promptly transformed in his hand. Harry hid his grin behind his hand and Justin shot me a covert thumbs-up. Snape went through the rest of his quills, having them all transform, before muttering to himself- swearing, no doubt- and pulling a Muggle fountain pen from his drawer. Under my desk, I transformed it into a newt. He threw it to the ground in frustration.

"Miss Granger!" Snape barked, standing up. The class turned their focus to me. "I seem to be having trouble with my writing implements. Would you know anything about this?"

"No, sir," I said innocently. I held out my own quill. "Would you like to borrow mine?"

"No, Miss Granger," Snape said, smiling. It was the kind of smile that usually proceeded a horrid threat involving Flitch and dismemberment. "I think that I must be the problem, as the quills were quite normal until I touched them. Tonight, in detention, you may grade the papers for me."

Deciding to hit two birds with one stone, I pulled out my homework planner.

"How about Tuesday?" I asked. "Tuesday's good for me. Tonight really isn't, but if you can't do Tuesday I'm free Sunday as well."

"Tonight, Miss Granger," Snape said, and he had nothing more to say on the subject, turning and striding to the front of the room to glare at us for the rest of class, who didn't quite know what to make of our little scene.

"Could be worse," Harry mouthed, shrugging. I shrugged back. I thought it'd be a whole lot worse than grading papers. Maybe Snape was going to play the game fairly?

_Not likely_, I said to myself, shaking my head. Most likely he was just making up for lost time.

-Number 66-

I ate my stew quickly, watching the Head Table. Luckily, Snape hadn't used his spoon lately, other than at breakfast, so I'd had no reason to run from the hall. However, as it was the stew being served, I knew he'd pick it up eventually.

"Geeze, Hermione, slow down," Ginny said. "You're going to burn yourself. I think you're taking this a little too seriously."

"I-" Snape picked up his spoon. I threw my bag over my shoulder and got ready to bolt. "Gotta go!" I said, speeding from the hall. I looked back just long enough to see Snape watching me. Good.

However, once I got outside the Great Hall, I realized that I was still hungry and had detention right after dinner was over. I didn't want to bother the elves in the kitchen, and I couldn't very well sent a Patronus to Harry asking him to bring some delivery, so I unhappily marched to the dungeon, breaking the wards to Snape's office and situating myself inside. Preparing for my prank, I transfigured his desk into a cushioned table.

I wondered if he'd come after feeling the wards break down or if he'd wait like a sensible person until his dinner was finished. I wasn't exactly starving, but I'd grown used to eating large meals, happily regaining the weight I'd lost while on the run. If he kept me no longer than two hours, I could get back to the dorm and convince Ron to run to the kitchens for me, but if it was longer than that, I'd have to cast a Silencing spell on my belly.

"Miss Granger, I see that you have taken the liberty of breaking into my office… and Transfiguring my desk," Snape said, striding in and slamming the door behind him.

"I have, sir. I'm sure you'd know nothing about that sort of thing… breaking into someone's space and Transfiguring their things…" I said. Snape smirked at me. Before he could change the desk back, I jumped up. "Wait! Don't you know what that is?"

"No, but if we could progress with your detention-"

"It's a Muggle massage table!" I exclaimed, beaming at him. "It seems that you've been very stressed lately, so I thought I'd offer to give you a massage!"

"Clothes on or off, Miss Granger?" he replied. My entire body froze. That was, excluding the blood rushing towards my face. Touché, Snape. Touché. "Enough of this nonsense," he continued, scowling and changing his desk back to normal. He sat down and levitated a stack of papers onto my desk. "You may begin the grading, Miss Granger. Kindly keep quiet while you do so, and remove yourself when you are done."

"Yes, Sevvie-kins," I said under my breath. He chose to ignore me. At least, that was my assumption until I sat down and was zapped by my chair. I glared up at him accusingly. Surely he wasn't allowed to physically harm students!

"Tit for tat, Miss Granger," he said. He raised an eyebrow. "Prefer a one-sided fight, do you?"

I scowled, thinking of what Harry had told me about Snape's childhood. "Of course not. I just didn't think you'd stoop to hexing a student."

"But Miss Granger, you're not an ordinary student." He picked an imaginary piece of lint off of his shoulder. I thought he was actually complimenting me until he continued. "You, Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Finch-Fletchley, and… Mr. Malfoy?" he added, looking at my questioningly. I looked away, not willing to sport bright purple spots across my face for the remainder of the school year. Snape took this as a confirmation anyways. "Yes, well, the six of you are not true students. You are not affiliated with any house, you cannot participate in sports or the house cup, you are all on advanced study courses, to leave when you are able to sit for your final exams and your N.E.W.T.S., and you are all of age. All six of you are adults, and, as such, will be held to adult standards." He paused. "Meaning I have free reign to hex you."

_And make inappropriate comments,_ I added. Although, it wasn't exactly his fault if I was imagining the scenario he had proposed. "So if _we _were to hex _you_…"

"You would find yourselves tied upside-down in the Whomping Willow," he replied curtly. "Now, get to work."

"Just one more question," I said. He shot me an irritated glance. "You're not mad about this? You're not going to report this to Dumbledore and have us expelled?"

"At first yes, I was incredibly angry, and it's thanks to Dumbledore that the lot of you aren't expelled. However, after Dumbledore gave me that raise Mr…. Finch-Fletchley? said I was due for, he was able to convince me not to hex you all to next Saturday. However, striking back was my own idea." He paused. "It might be best if he was kept in the dark about it."

I snickered. "Because that shouldn't be too hard." He glared at me. "_Sir_."

Snape gave an exaggerated look at the clock. "How long do you plan on staying, Miss Granger? Those essays are going to take a while."

-Number 127-

We watched as a grayer form of Snape glided down the hall. He was almost to the end when one of the suits of armor stepped out in front of him, sword drawn. Snape's wand was already in his hand.

"What is the meaning of this?" Snape asked. I imagined that Justin was probably grinning from inside the suit of armor.

"Sir Snape the Valiant, the Brave, the Unconquerable! I bid thee allow myself to knight thee, in order to fight under the command of Her Majesty, the Queen!" Justin proclaimed. He moved the sword to try to put it on Snape's shoulder, but Snape Transfigured it into a snake. Justin gave a girlish squeak and jumped back. Snape smirked.

"In the future, Mr. Finch-Fletchley, I would advise putting someone with a better knowledge of medieval terminology in the suit. Also, perhaps someone less… Hufflepuff. As for you offer, I do not believe in monarchies."

With than, Snape stepped around him and continued on his way. Justin was still a few moments before calling out, "You should run for parliament, Mr. Snape!"

"You see?" real-Justin said, once we all returned from the memory. The common room was looking sad indeed, as we'd had to take down the house banners. None of us had been able to turn them back.

"Oh, ah, one second," I said, sheepishly pulling the memory from detention and tapping it into the Pensive. I motioned for them to take a look. When they were done, accusing eyes glared at me. I quietly returned the memory to my head.

"You ratted us out!" Ron exclaimed. "Now the greasy bat is going to get us expelled!"

"Honestly, Ronald, didn't you listen to a single thing they said?" Ginny asked. She turned towards me. "I notice he didn't mention Luna or me, but he has to know that we were in it. Does that mean we can't participate anymore?"

I bit my lip. "I don't know. I'd say yes, but I'm not going to tell you guys what to do. I don't want to mess your futures up or anything, and he was quite deliberately only mentioning us Eighth Years."

Ginny huffed. "There goes my fun."

"Does this mean we can do away with that contract?" Draco asked. "I'd hate for you to slip up against Snape and have to be horribly disfigured for the rest of the school year."

"I was thinking about that too," I said. I pulled the paper out and laid it on the table, next to the Pensive. "All we have to do is touch our wands to the paper and cancel the charm."

"That's it?" Harry asked.

I nodded. I waited until everyone had their wands, then counted down from three. "_Finite Incantatem," _we said together. The ink from the paper drained away, and the paper burst into flames.

"What's to stop Malfoy from telling on us?" Ron asked.

"Let's see," I said, pretending to consider it. "For one, he's already guilty. Two, Snape _already knows._ The worst he could do is team up with Snape, but then it'd still be five against two."

"Technically seven," Ginny corrected. "Don't think we're going to stop helping you plan. We still need magazine articles to send him every week- I've got a whole pile in my trunk ready- and I already called dibs on picking the next number."

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**A/N:** Tell me what you think :)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

-Number 374-

Draco, being more of a Slytherin than I could have hoped for, managed to get Snape's password for his chamber. That wasn't quite enough, though, and it took me two solid weeks of dabbling around in the Restricted Section to research enough about ward-breaking to get into his chamber. I almost considered calling Bill in to do the job, but I decided that that probably would have either been overkill or cheating.

"Are you sure that you know what you're doing, Granger?" Draco hissed, holding a steaming cup of coffee. We were both under the Invisibility Cloak, and it was four in the morning. I was sweating from the effort of going around his wards. Honestly, the man was more heavily guarded than Gringotts. I wouldn't have been surprised one bit to find a manticore guarding his sitting room.

"Got it," I said in reply, motioning for Draco to follow me through and stay under the Cloak. We passed through the old man's portrait like it was nothing and came to find ourselves in Snape's manticore-less sitting room. "This is horrifying," I whispered. There were books everywhere- lovely, precious, rare books- but they were sitting open on tables and chairs, sitting on the floor, and stacked on the bookshelves in complete disarray.

"Think this is bad? You should see his house," Draco said.

_You've seen his house_? I wanted to say, but instead I said, "Give me a second, I _need_ to do something about this. He should be fined for crimes against books."

Draco paused as I swished my wand, uttering a spell I'd created specifically for organizing books. It cleaned them of both dust and moisture, flatted the pages and returned the spines to their original stiffness, and stacked them in alphabetical piles. From there, it was only a matter of Levitating them into their proper place and Transfiguring Snape's most worn-looking armchair into another bookshelf.

There. That was much better.

"Granger, do you ever realize that some things you do aren't considered normal?"

"Yes. I stopped caring a while ago. And call me Hermione, please. I know your hair routine in the morning. We've reached that point."

"I do not have a hair _routine_," Draco replied haughtily. I shrugged him off and made sure not to bump the coffee as I steered us around the new bookcase- oops, had I put that in the middle of the room with a permanent sticking charm?- and into Snape's bedroom.

"Into the lair of the sleeping beast," I whispered, pushing the door open. I could almost feel Draco roll his eyes.

Snape's bedroom was just as bad as his sitting room had been, with books, clothes, and tea mugs everywhere. It was obvious that he never let the house elves into his chambers. I would have organized the books in this room, too, but I didn't want the flapping of the pages to wake him up.

"You or me?" I asked, my voice barely a breath. Draco poked me in the back. I was to be the sacrifice, then.

Silently, I slipped out from underneath the Cloak. I chose a few bits of garbage to Transfigure into a breakfast try, complete with a vase and a dead flower. Draco's hand was momentarily visible as he handed me the cup of coffee, and I set it on the tray. Draco silently moved to the nightstand and took Snape's wand. That wouldn't save me against wandless magic, but I hoped that with Riddle gone, Snape would be a little less hair-trigger.

I looked down at him, surprised to find that he didn't scowl in his sleep. His face was relaxed, the lines almost invisible, and he almost looked like a man his age should. I noticed that yes, his hair still wasn't greasy, and the way his arms curled around his second pillow was… cute, in a word.

_Cute my arse_, I said to myself. Snapping out of it, I took a deep breath and yelled "Rise and shine, camper!" Snape bolted upright and grabbed for his wand frantically, his eyes wide open. He wasn't wearing a shirt. "Have we got a day planned for you!"

"Granger," he growled, making me out in the dim lighting. I beamed at him.

"Professor Snape! As our favorite teacher, we've decided to treat you to breakfast!"

"Get out of my chambers!" Snape snapped. He pulled his sheet up to try to cover his torso. It wasn't anything like the torso of the shirtless Snape in my dreams. That one was buff and distinctly Krum-esq. Snape's chest was all wiry muscle, with little black hairs running down to… well, I assumed that he was wearing pants of some sort.

"But Professor! I made coffee for you!" I exclaimed. I shoved the tray forward under his nose.

"If you think for one second that I'm going to drink that, you're…" he trailed off and looked down at the coffee. The only way I could make the Compulsion Charm work and not affect Draco and I was to make smell the trigger, then curse ourselves so that we couldn't smell anything. Unfortunately, Snape's rather large nose meant he had no chance of being able to resist the charm.

"Drink up!" I said merrily. A second later, Snape slammed the empty mug back on the tray, which fell from my hands to add to the layer of mess on the floor. Honestly, the only reason it didn't smell was probably because I couldn't smell _anything_ at the moment.

"_Miss_ Granger, what did I just drink?" Snape asked, rising from his bed like a panther. He stood toe-to-toe with me, glaring down his nose. Yes, he was rather tall, wasn't he?

"Coffee, sir," I said. "Honestly. Just coffee…." _and a harmless little potion_.

"Do you know what happens to rowdy young Gryffindors who come into my chambers at night?" Snape purred, leaning even closer. Considering the fact that his face was inches from mine and he was dressed only in a pair of black pajama trousers, this made quite an impact on me. However, I wasn't willing to let him one-up me, so I gave Draco the signal. A second later, Snape's wand arched over our heads.

"Oh look! Your wand!" I exclaimed. Snape, who'd sensed the movement, dove for it. Draco and I hightailed it out of there. I throw up multiple shields behind us, just in case.

"I think we're safe," I panted when we were once again in the hall and under the Cloak.

"I can't believe that Snape didn't hex us. He must be getting old."

_He's not that old_… I thought, the picture of his bare chest still in my mind. _Get a grip, Hermione!_ I chided myself. _Hormones, much? _

"Come on, we better get back to the common room before he puts some clothes on," I said.

"You don't think he'd follow us in there?" Draco asked. "He's been in there before."

"Well, I've been looking into wards that can be keyed to a specific person, so if the hair I have here really is his we won't have anything to worry about."

"The Dark Lord didn't stand a chance, did he?"

I smiled. The death of a man shouldn't have made me happy, but Riddle was a special case. We'd hunted Horcruxes for months, only to have Harry die at the Final Battle… then come back to life and kill Riddle once and for all. Dumbledore had come out of hiding after he'd faked his death, and we'd been able to save Snape… though that had been after Harry had shared his history with all and sundry. Luckily for Snape, no one seemed to care much about his doings, so long as he stayed within the confines of Hogwarts, among old friends and preoccupied children.

So, all in all, the war could have ended worse. But it didn't. We'd rebuilt the damaged part of Hogwarts for the new school year, almost all of the Death Eaters had been hunted down, and I'd been able to convince Ron and Harry to come back and finish their schooling. Which, let me tell you, was no easy feat.

-Number 309-

I knocked and, after a pause, was called in to McGonagall's office. "Hello, Hermione, please have a seat. Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, please, Professor," I said, sitting down across from her desk. "How have you been?"

"Good, good. But I'm getting old, you know. My chest was never quite the same after those Stunners got me."

I frowned as she poured me some tea and handed it over. "Couldn't St. Mungo's do anything for you?"

"Oh, they did plenty, but the truth is that my body's just not what it once was," Professor McGonagall said.

"But you're not old! You're only…" I trailed off. Someone had mentioned her age, once. She was nearly half Dumbledore's age.

"A number far to high to admit," she said, chuckling. "But we're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about you. Hermione, what are your goals for the future?"

I took a sip of my tea to stall. Good question.

"Harry and Ron are becoming Aurors, and Neville said he's decided to apprentice with Professor Sprout."

"Has he really?" I asked. This was news to me. My Head of House nodded. "I'm happy for him," I said honestly. He loved plants. Him and Sprout would be happy as kittens with catnip down in the greenhouses together.

"So what about you, Hermione? Do you have any ideas?"

"Well, I was thinking about working in the Department of Magical Cooperation, or possibly the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures." I paused. Professor McGonagall didn't interrupt. "I was also considering working at St. Mungo's, or coming back here to teach whenever a position opened up."

"As for your first two options, I won't voice my opinion on the Ministry," McGonagall said, sniffing. I looked at her in surprise, but she continued. "Working at St. Mungo's, weather as a healer or a nurse, could be a very promising career. It would be very challenging, but I think that you would enjoy that. As for working at Hogwarts…" she trailed off.

"What?" I asked. Did she think I'd make a bad teacher? Did she think that I was bad with kids? _What?_

"Well, it isn't out in the open yet, but Irma Pince is retiring at the end of the year. She declared that after she was finished cleaning up the mess that the Death Eaters made of her library, she was done for good."

"Oh," I said. A librarian. It wouldn't be something I hated, but… I'd been hoping for something a _little _more challenging than stacking books and harassing students with overdue books.

"Not only that," McGonagall continued, "but Professor Slughorn is planning to go back into retirement after four or five years. If your interests lie in potions…"

"Oh!" I said, lighting up. "I love potions! I didn't consider it because I assumed that Professor Snape would go back to potions once Professor Slughorn left."

"Professor Snape is quite happy to stay as he is, I believe. However, as I was saying, if you took the open position at the library, you could do an extended apprenticeship with both Professor Snape and Professor Slughorn. That way, you have a few years to grow a bit older, and the students won't see you as one of their own."

"I don't think Professor Snape would want me as an apprentice," I said. "Couldn't I just do it with Professor Slughorn?"

"I'm sure I could persuade Professor Snape, if you would be agreeable to being tutored under him," McGonagall said. She looked quite smug. I wondered what she had to blackmail Snape with. "However, you have time to think about all of this."

"Thank you, Professor. You've been really helpful," I said.

"Ah, but there's one more thing, Hermione…" McGonagall said as I started to stand. I sat back down. "You see, I know that you would love teaching, but there's one problem…"

"What's that?"

"You may recall… you second year, you never took your final exams."

"What?" I said, honestly not understanding. Then my brain caught up. "You mean the ones the Headmaster cancelled?"

"Yes, those are the ones." McGonagall shifted in her seat and adjusted her glasses. She wouldn't look me in the eyes. "You see, to become a teacher at Hogwarts, you must have completed all of your exams. _All_ of them. It wouldn't be fair for you to take them now, as you could easily cover all of the Second Year material in a weekend… I recognize that this is in no way your fault, of course. But, rules are rules…"

"Oh," I replied. It was all I could manage. My dream job handed to me on a silver platter only to be ripped away again. Couldn't she have warned me before telling me?

"I'm very sorry, Miss Granger," she said. I nodded and stood up.

"It's okay. I'll think about St. Mungo's and the Ministry jobs. Thanks for talking with me."

She didn't reply. I reached for the handle of the door when I heard a crash. I whipped around to see that McGonagall had dropped her tea. She fell to the floor, hunching over, and I rushed over to see what was the matter.

"Professor!" I exclaimed, trying to get her back up into the chair. "What's wrong?" She was a lot heavier than she looked. I tried one more lift before I realized how pale she was, that her limbs were getting longer. Her nose was growing and her hair was shrinking back into her head, becoming black, greasy, and unfortunately familiar.

"Professor Snape!" I exclaimed, jumping back. "You-!"

"A moment if you will, Miss Granger," he said, hauling himself into the chair. He looked exhausted.

"Is that how Polyjuice normally affects you, Professor?" I asked, slightly concerned. I wasn't concerned enough to get any closer to him, however, in case he decided to bite. I'd been waiting for him to strike back, going about my daily routines with a healthy dose of paranoia, but it'd been three week since I'd given him the coffee. I hadn't been sure that he was going to continue playing. I'd feared that we'd crossed the line.

"No, of course not," he snapped.

"It was Polyjuice, wasn't it?" I asked.

"Yes, you insufferable girl. It was from Mad-Eye's stash… I believe it was well past its shelf life."

"You're telling me the greatest Potion's Master in England _accidentally_ took an expired potion?"

"Of course not," he snapped again, sitting up straighter. It seemed as if his energy had returned. "A glamour of this size would have never worked, and I wasn't about to spend weeks brewing it when I have considerably better things to do with my time."

"Makes perfect sense," I agreed. He glared at me. "So, what's your cross-dressing name?"

He only looked confused for a second before he looked down at himself. McGonagall's robes were stretched in all the wrong places. I honestly didn't know how he could sit there and not notice them. "A pity you hadn't the foresight to bring a camera," he said, Transfiguring them back to his traditional black.

"There's always Pensives…" I said. I turned to leave again.

"And where do you think you're going?"

"Um, to dinner?"

"I think not. Sit down. I'm not finished with you yet," he said. I sat down dutifully, if not a little confused.

"What else is there?"

"You future, for one. Professor McGonagall was called away on family business, so I volunteered to keep her appointment with you. She agreed so that I could offer you the joint apprenticeship. It would be a lighter workload, but spread out over more time. You'd have to run the library and keep up with whatever work Slughorn and I set for you. Slughorn, no doubt, will have you doing his dirty work for all five years."

"Like grading essays, you mean?" I said. He ignored me.

"Slughorn himself is unwilling to take on an apprentice by himself, but I'm too busy to apprentice for Potions while teaching Defense and being the Head of Slytherin House. Slughorn's teaching would focus on the teaching aspect… or what passes for his teaching," Snape muttered, "and I would teach you the more advanced potions and how to handle extremely reactive ingredients and the like."

"So, the exams thing was a joke?"

"And a weak one, at that. For the brightest witch of your age, you're uncommonly gullible."

"Hmpft," I replied. "What would your mother think?"

"This meeting is over. Think carefully about your choices." Snape stood up and opened the door for me. I got up, and he said, "Oh, and that was a clever little potion you slipped into my coffee that morning. Luckily, I caught on quickly, else I would have been burping the ABC's in the Great Hall whenever one of my colleagues called my name. Also, my sitting room has never looked better." I smiled, glad that he appreciated it. "But, detention, Miss Granger. Tomorrow, after lunch, my office. Try to eat something, so that your growling stomach doesn't pester me all afternoon."

I hmpft-ed again and barely restrained myself from stomping to the Great Hall. Tomorrow was a Saturday, and a Hogsmeade visit. Like I had nothing better to do than to grade his essays.

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**A/N: **This story has literally no literary merit.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

-Number 5-

Harry and Ron grumbled about my detention, though I think they may have respected Snape just a tiny bit more for his little revenge, so they allowed me to go to my detention without any threats to hex the DADA professor. As Ginny had promised to bring me back something from Honeydukes, I figured that maybe detention wouldn't be so bad, so long as Snape kept giving me the older student's essays to grade. One of the First Year Gryffindors had asked me to help them with their Charms essay that morning and I shuddered at the thought of having to use so much red ink in one sitting.

Arriving at Snape's office, and deciding not to break in like a good, rule-abiding student, I knocked on the door.

"Enter!" Snape commanded. I did so and walked straight up to him, around the back of his desk so I was standing right by him. "Miss Granger, what is- unhand me," he said as I hugged him. He was surprisingly warm. I confess I'd held some illusions about him being cold-blooded.

"Sorry, I'm on strict orders from Dumbledore to hug you, sir," I said, backing away to the proper stop in front of his desk. I couldn't help but notice that papers were scattered willy-nilly like he'd never heard of the word _organization_.

"I'm sure," he replied. His glare was mild. I could deal with that.

"What will I be grading today, Professor?" He stood up, his robes billowing around him as he came around the desk.

"Nothing. You will come with me. We will be brewing." He went to the side door to his office and unlocked it with a swish of his wand. He motioned for me to go in first, and I did so with my mouth open. Never had I seen such an impeccable potion's lab. Everything was pristinely clean and state-of-the-art- no rusty caldrons or coffee-stained books in sight. I saw potions ingredients on one wall, neatly labeled in his spiky scrawl and filed alphabetically, and above them was a cabinet that I assumed held more sensitive ingredients. The caldrons not in use were stacks along another wall with a variety of clean tools, and the last wall held a long table for brewing. Three caldrons sat there, presumably under a Stasis Charm, and a single stool sat in front of it.

Without a word, Snape duplicated the stool with a swish of his wand.

"Sir?"

"Today, Miss Granger, you will be helping me complete the Wolfsbane Potion. I trust you are familiar with it."

"Sir! Are you serious?" I asked. I went further into the room, peering over the edge of one of the caldrons. It was a steel gray color, and the contents of the two other caldrons were identical. Periodically, sluggish little bubbles would rise to the top and pop. I recalled my research and judged the potions to be a few hours worth of brewing away from competition.

"I assure you, Miss Granger, I am entirely serious. The Polyjuice is all used up, I'm afraid."

I ignored his taunt. "What do you do with all of potion? Oh! You're supplying St. Mungo's, aren't you?" I said, answering my own question.

"St. Mungo's, your _furry little friend, _and a small clinic in Wales that asked for my assistance due to their booming werewolf population," Snape answered. "Now, if you're done gawking, I'm going to give you a little taste of how it would feel to be an apprentice. Put those gloves on, grab a silver knife, and shred the leaves of the _Galanthus Nivalis _into fine strips. You'll need three ounces for each caldron."

"Yes, sir," I said, happy to be brewing. The potions Slughorn set for us were laughable. Well, granted, they were difficult potions, but the hardest potion we were going to get to was the Polyjuice Potion! Honestly, I'd brewed it in a lavatory in Second Year!

"That's a good width," Snape commented when I'd made a descent-sized pile. He himself was powdering lionfish spines with remarkable speed. "The pieces won't dissolve if they're longer and three inches, so cut them in half if you have to."

I nodded and continued working. When I was finished, he removed the charm from the caldrons and added carefully measured bits of powdered lionfish spine. He handed me a stirring rod and told me to copy him. He stirred both caldrons at one, using three clockwise stirs then two counterclockwise stirs, and I copied his movements exactly so that our arms were moving in sync.

"Tell me, Miss Granger, why lionfish spine is used in Wolfsbane."

"Lionfish spine is normally used in healing potions. It's role in Wolfsbane is to prevent the tearing of tissues and ligaments during the transformation, therefore reducing the pain of the transformation."

"Not quite. It doesn't prevent the tearing, but it immediately heals it. It doesn't make the transformation less painful, but it allows the infected to wake up feeling better than they would have without the potion." He paused. "I'm surprised you couldn't quote that word-for-word from one of your beloved books."

"Yes, well, there aren't very many books with information regarding the exact science of Wolfsbane. Not even in the Restricted Section."

"Now, add your pile of _Galanthus Nivalis. _Immediately after, turn clockwise six times and turn the heat up to three hundred degrees. Stir one turn every minute for a half hour."

I did as I was told, careful to follow his advice to the letter. He watched me, making sure I didn't mess up, and nodded with approval once I had begun stirring it one a minute. He did the same with his caldrons, again using both hands. It was almost as if he was juggling. I'd never seen a man so confident of himself in front of a caldron.

"If you want, I could provide you with copies of potion's journals that have quite a bit more information on more difficult potions than your average textbooks."

"Oh!" I said in surprise, almost missing a stir. "Thank you, sir," I said. I was a jumble of confused and pleased feelings. I'd made a mistake, and he hadn't berated me about it. He'd actually _offered_ his potions journals to me. Who was this man and where was my professor? "Sir, may I ask why you're letting me help you with this?"

"Besides the fact that every staff member is breathing down my neck to try and coerce you into staying here at Hogwarts?"

I smiled. "Yes, besides that."

"Because the clinic in Wales only recently contacted me about supplying them, and I have yet to grow a third arm. Dumbledore and Slughorn could take directions just as well as you are now, but I find myself unwilling to spend so much time in their company."

I blinked. Both at the veiled compliment and the jab at Slughorn. Could he really not brew Wolfsbane? "So you're willing to spend time in my company, Professor?" I asked sweetly.

"I enjoy being at liberty to assign you detentions and hit you with a Silencing Charm, if need be."

Despite his threat, he didn't silence me through the rest of the brewing, no matter how many questions I asked. Towards the final steps, we were both forced to shed our outer robes as the lab became unbearably hot due to the heat that the potions needed to be kept at. When we were finally finished, the potions were a deep indigo color, and they let off bright blue smoke. We bottled them up silently.

"I must Floo these to the clinic and to St. Mungo's. You are dismissed."

"Yes, sir," I said. He didn't seem ready to leave yet, so I showed myself out. Admitedly, I'd been holding out for a _"Good job, Granger_," though I couldn't claim that I was surprised to have been denied it.

-Number 378-

I sat down to breakfast the next day and started explaining how my detention with Snape had gone. They were as surprised as I had been to learn that he'd let me help with the potion, and Harry remembered that he'd meant to send an owl to Remus to see how Teddy was doing. Last we'd heard of the little baby, he was able to completely transform at will, though he hadn't quite figured out why his father didn't like the dog ears and furry snout look he'd mastered.

"So, I was thinking, for the next prank-"

"Sorry, Hermione, but I have exams to study for," Ron said. He looked down at his lap- the lap currently supporting the Charms essay due next class- and ran his fingers through his hair. "Also, can you believe how much homework we have?"

"Yes, Ron, I can. That's why I always tell you to do it when it's assigned."

"I know, I know," Ron said. "If you could take a break from these pranks to help me out…"

"No, _Ronald_, I'm not going to do your homework for you. If you'd just use the planner I got you…" I pulled out my own planner to emphasize my point, but then I noticed that the emblem on the front had changed. What had been a Gryffindor crimson book was now a Slytherin green broom. Very funny. Ha-ha. Half a point to Professor Snape. "See how organization can help you? I know exactly how much time I have to devote to school work." I opened the planner to show him my detailed schedule- one he'd seen many times before- when my planner started singing _Save a Broom, Ride a Quidditch Player_.

"Um, Hermione?" Ginny asked, looking up from her conversation with another Seventh Year. "Is that you?"

"Snape!" I exclaimed, looking up to glare at him. Unfortunately, his spot at the High Table was empty. I looked back down at my planner and saw that each page had been replaced by a Quidditch photo. Page after page of brooms, Quaffles, professional players, and Quidditch fields filled my planner. My notes, schedules, and assignments were all gone.

"Hermione, are you all right?" Neville asked. "You've gone all red."

"He took my planner!" I exclaimed. "Greasy bastard!"

"Hermione, maybe you should calm down," Ron tried, but I was already standing and storming out of the Great Hall. I stomped down to Snape's quarters and hit his doors with a few nasty spells just to raise the alarm in the wards. The wizard in the portrait guarding the door was not amused.

"What is the meaning of this?" Snape all but shouted as he flung the door open. I pointed my wand at his face.

"Give me back my planner, you git! This rubbish won't do me any good!" I said, throwing the planner at him. "Pranks are all fun and good, but stealing is going too far!"

"Miss Granger, calm yourself," Snape snapped. He pointed his wand at my planner and said _"Finite Incantatem." _My precious planner was restored in all of its glory, and I snatched it out of his hands to inspect it. It was back to normal.

"Oh. I didn't think of that." I felt myself blushing.

"Obviously," he hissed. "Is there anything else you need, or were you just trying to blast a hole through my door to inconvenience me?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry I stormed down here," I said. He slammed the door on my face, though I reacted quick enough to shoot my spell at him before the door closed. That one _wouldn't _be fixed with a simple _Finite_.

Hoping he wouldn't genuinely kill me this time, I went back to the common room to wait for the next class to begin.

-Number 53-

I sat in DADA, trying not to laugh. To counteract my spell, Snape had resorted to casting _Muffliato_ whenever he walked (I'd ensured that a Silencing Charm would be useless), only to have to undue the charm each time he needed to speak. This curbed his little pacing habit and left him standing behind his podium. While he was in the middle of giving us a lecture on the proper spells to repel hydras, I cancelled the Notice-Me-Not Charm on the note I'd left for him. It was bright orange, impossible to miss, and I noticed his eyes flicker down for just a moment before he returned his attention to the class.

The note read:

"_Dearest Severus,_

_If you ever wish to enjoy silence again, follow the clues. I hope you've been paying attention._

_Love,_

_Trelawney"_

He'd see through the Trelawney part immediately, of course, but hopefully he'd be properly confused about the _follow the clues_. Ginny had been dutifully sending him magazine clippings at least three times a week, but we had no indication of what he'd been doing with them until this point. Hopefully he'd send himself searching the castle for clues (or me, though I wasn't coming out from under the Invisibility Cloak until the effects wore off) until he took the required ten thousand steps.

Once class was over, Snape looked like he was going to ask me to stay after, but I was gone before he could blink. I whipped Harry's cloak over my head and waited for him to emerge for lunch. It took a few minutes, but he finally came out and headed towards his chambers rather than the Great Hall. I could tell he'd charmed himself again due to the absolute silence in the hallway we were going down. Not the whisper of robes nor the sound of footsteps could be heard. Neither were there bagpipes.

"Hello, Severus, just the man I wanted to see!" Dumbledore said, coming around a corner and stopping in front of Snape. I ducked behind a suit of armor. I didn't know if the Headmaster could really see through the Invisibility Cloak or not, but I wasn't going to chance it.

"Albus. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Snape asked. He's stopped walking. I Disillusioned myself under the cloak- feeling Snape-esq paranoid as I did so- and peeked my head around to watch.

"Come come, let us walk and talk. I can't let you miss another meal."

"I have matters to attend to in my quarters-"

"Nonsense, come along," Dumbledore said, taking his arm and pulling him forward. Snape cast the charm just in time, and I followed them as they started towards the Great Hall. I breathed a silent breath of relief when Dumbledore didn't seem to notice me. "Severus, it has been called to my attention that there is some bullying involving the First Years. Particularly, Belladonna Avery."

Snape stopped, pretending to consider a portrait, and canceled the charm. "I hadn't noticed anything, but I will investigate. Is Belladonna the victim or the instigator?"

"The victim, of course, poor thing," Dumbledore said, starting to walk again. "Moaning Myrtle found her crying in the second floor lavatory and reported back to me. She said that there were scratch marks on her arms, though I saw no evidence of them myself."

Snape paused again. This time, Dumbledore looked marginally annoyed. "Did they look like she had done them herself?"

"Myrtle did not say." Dumbledore hadn't stopped this time, so Snape was forced to repeat the charm and go on. "Either the girl is advanced in Healing Charms or Glamours, because Madame Pomfrey didn't report treating the girl."

Snape stopped again and sighed. "I'm just hoping that the wounds were done by another. Self-inflicted wounds are the hardest to heal. Most likely, it has to do with both of her parents recently being sentenced to life in Azkaban."

"Come along, Severus, stopped dallying," Dumbledore chided, striding again. Snape easily caught up, but it was obvious that he was annoyed at having to cast and cancel the charm so often. "When you find the culprits, I want them sent to me. It must be made clear that the students will not pay for their parent's actions."

"And if it is Belladonna herself?" Snape asked, stopping again.

"Then I think that you would be better qualified to handle her than I." With that, Dumbledore sent a fierce bust of wind down the corridor. I stumbled forward and almost let go of the cloak, and when the wind hit Snape he took a step forward. He hadn't had time to recast the charm.

Both Snape's and Dumbledore's eyes widened as the ear-splitting sound of bagpipes rang out through the hall. The portraits were all covering their ears, and I fell into helpless laughter at the look of confusion on Dumbledore's face.

"Was that a bagpipe?" Dumbledore asked. Snape stepped back guiltily, and once again bagpipes sounded through the hall. A door further down the corridor flew open and a harassed-looking Professor McGonagall stuck her head out.

"Albus, Severus, did I just hear bagpipes?"

Since they were distracted, and because I was already going to be dead, I cast a non-verbal _Tarantallegra _at Snape. The bagpipes were deafening as Snape began to tap-dance. McGonagal threw her hands over her ears while Dumbledore had the sense to cast _Finite._

"Severus, what is the meaning of this?" Dumbledore asked, looking dumb-founded. It wasn't every day that your Defense Against the Dark Art's professor began tap-dancing and emitting a sound reminiscent to the Scottish Highland's festival.

Snape cleared his throat and spared a glare down the empty corridor at me. "My apologies, sir. It seems that I was hit by a rather clever spell by one of the students. Whenever I take a step, I produce the sound of bagpipes. I was not aware that dancing was to be one of the… side effects."

"Why didn't you come to me about this?" Dumbledore asked.

"Have you tried canceling the charm?" McGonagall asked, walking over.

"Of course I have," Snape spat. "I believe the charm will eventually wear off. Until then, I will only emerge from my chambers to teach, if that is acceptable to you."

"Do you know who cursed you?"

"I have an idea. I will be taking their punishment into my own hands."

"Do try not to be too hard on them," Dumbledore said, twinkling. Not that the shock was over, he looked close to laughing. "Best of luck!"

Snape cast _Muffliato _again and turned around to return to his quarters. When he passed me, I could see that he was mumbling to himself. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but it looked suspiciously like _will kill Granger._

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	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

I woke up with a start and a cold gust of wind hit me in the face. I reached for my wand so that I could shut my window and fall back asleep, but the stick I grabbed was not my wand. And it was moving.

"What in Merlin's name?" I said, my eyes popping open. Not only was I not in my bedroom, but everything was upside-down. The first thing I could focus on was Hagrid's hut off in the distance, and the castle further away still. I was surrounding by branches, and I realized that I was in a tree!

"Miss Granger, glad that you finally decided to wake up," Snape said. I looked directly below and saw him staring up at me. Another gust of icy wind hit me and I began rotating slowly. A glance up confirmed that my legs had been tied together and the rope was secured around a rather large branch. "I did tell you the consequences for hexing me."

The consequences? What- "Oh!" I exclaimed, examining the tree more. I was in the Whomping Willow! "Oh, sir, I'm sorry. You can let me down now."

"I don't think so," Snape replied. He held me wand between his fingertips, taunting me, before dropping it onto the frost-covered grass below. The wind had turned me enough that I could see the Black Lake. The edges were beginning to freeze. I shivered.

"Please, sir, I surrender," I said, looking back down. He remained silent. "Uncle," I pleased, but he simply raised an eyebrow.

"Revenge is a dish best served _cold_, Miss Granger. You may take note of that." Oh, didn't he look smug about his little pun. It'd been less than a week since I'd hexed him. He'd waited until a Saturday, presumably so that I wouldn't be missed.

"What if the tree wakes up?"

"I have cast a sufficient shield charm on you."

"And how long are you going to keep me up here? Until someone finds me?"

"You may let yourself down," he replied. With that, he cast a Disillusionment, tapping me on the head and walking away, despite my loud protests. Once the cold feeling had extended all the way up to my toes, I looked around. It was quite early in the day, just after dawn, and I didn't want to think of how many people would venture close enough to hear my yelling. The only person likely to look at the tree close enough would be Hagrid. Hagrid being Hagrid, he'd almost certainly miss the glimmer that revealed my Disillusioned self.

I was well and truly buggered.

"Stupid arse!" I yelled, well aware that no one could hear me. I tried struggling against my bonds, but then I realized that if they slipped free, I'd be landing on my head. Not the ideal situation.

_He kidnapped me_, I thought angrily. _Came into my room in the middle of the night and kidnapped me. I could press charges!_

I tried to think of a way out of my situation. Luckily for me, I'd worn my warmest pajamas to bed, meaning that it would take at least a few hours to freeze to death. Would the Disillusionment Charm wear off before then? I'd never tested it before, and I didn't know how long a powerful wizard like Snape could maintain one.

_What an unbelievable arsehole!_

My stomach growled soon after, the icing to the proverbial cake.

_Bloody git!_

I used all my strength to pull myself up and examine the ropes holding my legs. I tried to undo them, but they were tied with magic and wouldn't budge.

_Bollocks._

I gave up and let go, bouncing back into place. I realized vaguely that Snape must have cast some kind of charm so that all the blood wouldn't rush to my head, else wise I'd have developed a first class migraine after the first ten minutes.

_Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!_

I found that it was, indeed, impossible to sleep while in such a position. Instead, I tried to keep myself turned towards to Black Lake to watch as the Giant Squid played with a beach volleyball he'd somehow obtained.

_Bored. Bored. Bored._

Suddenly, around noon, the robes gave way without warning and dropped me to the ground. Oddly, it felt no worse as if I'd fallen out of bed. However, the Whomping Willow sensed the movement of my fall and chose that moment to began thrashing wildly. I quickly located my wand and sped out of range. I was still invisible, which was just as well.

Unhappily, I began my trek back to the castle. In my woolen socks. It began to snow just as I reached the front steps, and I had the sense to finally cast a Warming Charm. Miserably, I made my way back to my room canceled Snape's charm, changing into my robes. At that point, I was starving, so I wasted no time in getting to the Great Hall. I filled my plate before anyone noticed me.

"Hey there, 'Mione! Thought you'd have a bit of a lie-in?" Ron asked.

"Do not talk to me," I said through gritted teeth. Ron shut his mouth and looked down at his plate, though I didn't miss his whispered, _"Must be her time of the month_," to Neville. I ignored him and stuffed my face. I wasn't willing to tell them about Snape's revenge. I was too anger and humiliated that he'd gotten past the wards on my rooms. From now on, I was setting up good old-fashioned Muggle booby traps. I'd see how he liked a rake to his face or a bucket of water on his head.

-Number 82-

It took almost a month for me to get over Snape's revenge, by which time exams had passed and it was time for holiday break. All my things were packed, but I had one last thing to do before catching the train. None of us had pranked Snape since I'd given him bagpipe feet, and so it was time to give him his Christmas present.

I headed down to the dungeons, but I found him before I got to his office.

"Miss Granger," he said. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Sevster, old pal!" I said, punching him on the arm. He didn't react. "I have something for you!"

"Oh. I'm shaking with excitement," he replied, dead-pan. Not to be deterred, I handed him a box. It was red with golden dancing lions on it, and was about the size of his hand. He looked at it.

"Aren't you going to open it?" I asked. He still didn't move. "Oh, honestly. I promise it's not cursed."

"As if I'd take you word for it." He pulled his wand on and cast a series of detection charms. His brows furrowed and he cautiously lifted the lid. The sound of furious sniffing could be heard, and a little head pushed the lid of the rest of the way.

"Her name is Minerva," I said.

"A porcupine?" Snape asked, bewildered. It was all black, and its two front paws had made their way over the side of the box as she fought to escape.

"A hedgehog. For proper care, I got you this." The hedgehog itself had come from Diagon Alley, and it was magical enough to hopefully stop Snape from stepping on it. The second part of his present I'd had to owl my parents for. It was _Hedgehogs for Dummies_. Snape sneered down at it, but I forced him to take it.

"Give Minerva a good home, now," I said. I turned to leave, but Snape stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

"Did I say you were dismissed?" he asked. He rummaged around in his pockets for something as Minerva crawled her way onto his robes, clinging on for dear life. Annoyed, Snape slipped her into a pocket. From her sounds of protests, she didn't seem very happy about that. "Let it not be said that I am ungenerous at Christmastime," he said. He handed me a present with plain black wrapping. I expected it to be socks, but I tore it open nonetheless, trusting him not to hex me.

"A magic eight ball?" I asked, pulling it out and examining it. Surely enough, it was a Muggle magic eight ball.

"Compliments of Fred and George Weasley," Snape said.

"Why?"

"Because your history in Divination is rubbish." He was smirking. "I thought it might help."

"You prat," I said. When he glared at me, I amended my statement. "You prat, _sir._"

"Happy Holidays, Miss Granger. I believe you have a train to catch."

"I do. Happy Holidays to you too, Professor." We went our separate ways, and when I reached my room I felt the urge to ask the eight ball a question, if only to see if Muggle eight balls differed from Fred and George's.

"Hmmm." I stared at it, trying to think of a question. "Will I will the prank war?" I shook the ball and waited as the answer surfaced.

"_Obviously not, you foolish Gryffindor,_" it said. I smiled.

"Is Professor Snape a wanker?"

"_Detention, Miss Granger._" I laughed out loud. I was about to ask it another question when I heard Harry calling from the common room. I shrunk all my things and left my room, stowing the eight ball in my pocket.

Once on the train, the lot of us found a compartment to sit in, Draco included. It seemed as if Neville had news for us.

"I've been talking a lot with Professor Sprout, and she offered to let me apprentice with her, and I accepted," Neville said. I already knew this, of course, but I hadn't told anyone under the assumption that Neville would tell us in his own time.

"Congratulations, Neville!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Good going, mate," said Ron. Luna hugged Neville affectionately. She'd obviously already known.

"Not only that, but I've made up all the work I've missed. All that studying wasn't just for the exams. I'm sitting for my N.E.W.T.S. over the hols, and I'll be coming back as Professor Sprout's apprentice."

"Oh, Neville!" I exclaimed, reaching across and hugging him. Crookshanks growled from his cage, unhappy about the way I was jostling him about. "I'm happy for you. I'll miss you, but at least you won't be gone completely. I'm sure you'll have enough free time to drop by and say hello."

"We'll see about that," Neville replied. "Professor Sprout seemed quiet happy to have someone to spread manure for her."

We all laughed. Harry and Ron started poking fun at Neville, thinking of all the horrible things a Herbology apprenticeship could entail, when Draco cleared his throat.

"I too will be sitting for my N.E.W.T.S.," he said. "And I won't be coming back."

Well, I couldn't rightly say _"I'll miss you_." so I said, "What are your plans after that?"

"I'm going to become an Auror," he said. He looked away. "You know, try to bring some good back to the Malfoy family name."

"That's very noble of you," Luna said. Draco looked at her. He didn't seem to be able to tell whether or not she was making fun of him or not.

"I guess we'll see you in training once we're done," Harry said.

"Can't wait," Ron muttered under his breath. Ginny elbowed him at the same time I did. He winced. Tension filled the compartment. Ginny, used to Ron's idiocy, changed the conversation.

"So, who wants to take bets on what color sweater Mum's knitting for us this year? I'll put down three chocolate frogs on mine being canary yellow."

-Number 95-

Christmas morning came, and it turned out that my parents had invited a pair of their friends to visit. As there was only so much I could talk about with a middle-aged Muggle couple- talk of my future and University were out, as were current shows on the telly or my less-than-average extracurriculars- I excused myself and stowed away in my room.

After I'd reread the book Harry had send me- _The Unabridged History of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic_- my parents called up to say that them and the Smiths were going out, and so I had the house to myself. I considered going down to find a Christmas special to watch when I saw a copy of Snape's list sticking out from among my school books.

I pulled it out and scanned the list. Number 95 caught my eye: _Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts._ Currently, I didn't have any essays to turn in… but I supposed a love letter would be an acceptable substitute.

"_Dearest Severus,_

_My Inner Eye tells me that our auras have been joining, and I believe it time that our interaction moves to the physical plane. One does not usually parade the fact that one is All-Knowing, but I feel compelled to reveal the scene shown to me by my crystal ball._

_The pair of us lounging together in Red Beach, Crete. Sipping sherry and enjoying the sun. In the evenings, we dance in Paris, under the light of the full moon, and you dip me down to kiss me. _

_I must advise you. While we are there, buy me the puce scarf, not the blue one._

_Love,_

_Trelawney_"

Yes, it was the second love letter I'd written him from Trelawney, but I found notion of them together quite amusing. Plus, I'd added a lot more of things from _the beyond_.

I wondered if he'd realized that Red Beach is a nude beach.

Popping my head out the window, I called for my new owl. My parents had got her for me for Christmas. Crookshanks was quite jealous, but when I suggested the half-kneazle carry my mail instead he'd stuck his tail in the air and sauntered from the room.

"Hey there, girl. I have a letter for you. Your first letter! I need you to take it to Professor Snape, at Hogwarts. That's in Scotland." Hypatia looked affronted at my babying her. She stuck her leg out with an indignant hoot and I tied the pink letter securely. "Don't leave until he offers you a treat. Nip at him, if you have to."

Hypatia cocked her head then took off into the snow. She was a plain barn owl, but a beautiful one. I'd named her Hypatia after one of the first woman scholars. Her regal air fit her name- she never nipped at me or make a nuisance of herself like Ron's owl Pig did- but enjoyed sitting quietly on my bed frame as I read at night. I didn't look forward to returning to school and making her stay in the Owlery.

I went about my business after that, finding ways to occupy my time until parents returned that evening. We'd just sat down to dinner when Hypatia returned, tapping on the kitchen window. My father quickly opened it for her and took the letter from her leg. While he fed her a strip of beef, I opened the letter.

"_Hermione… I don't know how to say this, but I've been in love with you for years. All those times you helped me during potions- against Snape's __**direct** __orders- or helped me with my homework… it made me love you that much more. I have this dream of the two of us together, sitting in our garden and teaching our children about Devil's Snare. _

_I know it probably won't happening, as I'm a bumbling dunderhead with Stinksap for brains, but please consider being my wife._

_Love, _

_Neville"_

"What is it, Hermione?" my mother asked. I was smiling and shaking my head at the letter. I was about to tell her it was nothing when a school owl landed on the windowsill, tapping loudly with its beak. Hypatia looked at it down its beak from her perch on my father's shoulder.

Bemused, my father let him in. "Aren't you the popular young lady. Who's the boy?"

"_Dad_," I moaned as I took the second letter. It was green and smelled… familiar. "It's not a boy." _It's a thirty-eight-year-old ex-Death Eater_.

"_Dear Hermione,_

_It pains me a great deal to admit it, but my heart throbs for you. Perhaps I could persuade you to visit Malfoy manner over the hols? I could show you our beautiful snow-covered grounds, or my father's albino peacocks, or my golden toilet seat. My mother also has an amazing charmed hair brush that can tame any hair. And I mean __**any**__ hair._

_I know we've had our differences in the past, but it's time we joined the noble Slytherin House with the chivalrous House of Gryffindor. Together, we could have Ravenclaws that Hufflepuffs would quake before._

_Your Truly,_

_Draco Lucius Malfoy"_

The scent was Draco's cologne! I snorted. Snape was outdoing himself.

"May we continue with dinner now?" my father asked, feeding the second owl and letting him back out.

"Sorry, there shouldn't be any more of them," I said, but even as I was saying it, two more owls came to the window. My father rolled his eyes and let them both in. He detached the letters and fed them treats like he'd been handling owls all his life. I opened both letters, aware that my parents were openly staring at me now.

"'_Mione,_

_I'm really sorry about that thing with Lavender. Truth is, you've always been the gal for me, so marry me? It's time we started our own brood. My mum and dad were only eighteen when they had Bill. We're already a bit late. When we get back to school, we'll just meet in your room, okay?_

_-Ron"_

I rolled my eyes. Honestly. What next?

"_Hermy_

_Gwarp love you_

_Make 'nother half-giant?"_

"I'm sorry, could you excuse me for a second?" I said. "This is just a running joke between me and a friend. I just need to write a quick reply."

"Go on right ahead, it isn't as if we're trying to have a family meal here," my father said, though he was smiling. As soon as I left the room, I heard my mother begin to speculate about the new man in my life. I'd have to be clear that it was just a friend.

_Are we, though_? I asked myself. Did Snape really have anyone he called a friend? But, then again, how many people would he allow to break into his quarters, yell at him, call him a git, hex him, and saddle him with a hedgehog named Minerva? I guessed that it was a _very_ short list.

"_You're an insufferable over-achiever, you know that?_" I scrawled, not bothering to address or sign it. I stuffed it in an envelope and gave it to Hypatia. "Sorry to send you out so soon. You can wait until morning, if you want." She looked at me in a way that I knew exactly what she thought of _that_ suggestion, and sat above the kitchen sink until I opened the window for her.

"So, tell us about this boy…" my mum said.

-0-

In the predawn hours of the next day, I let Hypatia in to end the infernal tapping. She held a note, which I ripped open blearily, and all it contained were the words, "_Pot, kettle" _in Snape's spiky hand.

Smiling, I drifted back to sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope you're all enjoying the story. Feel free to tell me if you think anyone's too OOC or if there are any glaring errors.

Also, don't forget to review! :)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

-Number 92-

"Do you think this is enough?" I asked, taking a step back and looking at the overall effect.

"Hermione, you've got banners and balloons in ever corner of the castle." Ginny brushed sparkles off of her robes. "I think we're good."

"Mrs. Norris is coming," Harry hissed. Quickly, Ginny and I finished up what we were doing and followed Harry down the hall. Harry and I dropped Ginny off at the portrait of the Fat Lady (I pretended to study another portrait as they had a quick snog) and then we returned to bed. The decorations would remain until midnight the following night, when January ninth officially ended. Until then, Hogwarts would be peppered with banners, balloons, and sparklers (set to go off every half hour throughout the day) that wished Snape a happy birthday.

Inside his office (because the wards were easier to dismantle) was another hedgehog, this one named Albus. Through Dobby's spying, I knew that Minerva was doing well- she had full run of the place, apparently- so I figured I'd add to Snape's pets until furry things started showing up on _my_ doorstep.

-Number 361-

The box shook gently as it rolled over the ground. I heard the pair of First Years pushing it mumble something before the doors to the Great Hall were opened and the sounds of dinnertime assaulted my ears. I sat patiently as our hired help continued to push me forward, checking to make sure that my glamour was still in place.

The fake face wouldn't fool Snape, but hopefully no one else would be able to guess who was giving herself to the DADA professor in her spare time.

"What have you got there, boys?" came the muffled voice of Dumbledore. "Addressed to Professor Snape, is it?"

"Yes, sir. We found it in the Entrance Hall," the first boy said.

"Did you, now?" That was Snape.

"Y-yes, sir. It must be a birthday present."

"Yes, Happy Birthday, sir," the other boy said. They quickly scampered off. Thanks to Ginny and I and our amazing decorating skills, everyone knew that it was Snape's birthday. From what I'd seen of him at breakfast and lunch, he was not a happy camper. The Slytherins were all but tripping over themselves to give him gifts. It seems like they'd previously assumed that he had no birthday.

Dobby really needed a raise. He'd get three socks, next time. And possibly my old dance tutu.

"Well, Severus, aren't you going to open it?" Dumbledore asked. The box was wrapped with sliver and green, and the bow was charmed to look like a snake. However, before Snape could run any Detection Charms and ruin the surprise, I tapped my wand and the box around me fell down. Ginny had charmed it to open much like the case for the Goblet of Fire had, and judging from the hush of the students around me, it'd done its job.

"Oh, a cake!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "Isn't that nice? And even in your House colors."

"I'm positively ecstatic," Snape replied. "Feel free to help yourself, Headmaster."

"Don't mind if I do."

Before Dumbledore could cut into me, I shot the top of the cake off with my wand and popped up. General cries of surprise sounded throughout the room.

Naturally, I began to sing.

"_He is the Snape-meister  
__Clever like a bank heister  
__Stalking down the halls  
__Scaring First Years  
__Oh-so-fierce!_

_He is the Snape-meister  
__Skin paler than white rice-er  
__Taking points from Gryffindor  
__And giving us all D's!_

_He is the Snape-meister  
__Never a professor feistier  
__Will you meet at Hogwarts  
__Nor never a one so feared!_

_He is the Snape-meister  
__Have you seen a man nicer  
__In a long black cloak  
__Oh those robes! __(Sigh!)_

_He is the Snape-meister!  
__Da-da-da-da-da-eister!  
__And it's his birthday  
__So I sing  
__Go, Severus, go!"_

The hall burst into applause. The Staff Table too was clapping politely, and McGonagall particularly tried to hide her laughter.

"A lovely performance!" Dumbledore cheered. Much agreement and whistling followed this statement. Actually, the whistling could have been because I'd modeled my disguise after a Vegas showgirl. I couldn't think of another appropriate look for popping out of a cake.

"Thank you everyone!" I called. My voice had been disguised by the Volubilis Potion. "I'll be here same time next year!" I finally chanced a look at Snape. He was scowling, but… Oh! Those eyes! Spy or not, I could tell he was trying hard to keep a straight face. Point for Granger!

However, amused or not, I wasn't about to stick around for a detention. I jumped out of the cake and sprinted from the room. Once back in the Eighth Year common room, I undid my disguise and waited for the gang to slowly trickle in. Luckily, Ginny had the sense to bring me some food, so I stuffed my face while everyone else laughed at our success.

"Did you see Hagrid? I swear, I thought he was going to join in. We should have passed out lyrics to everyone," Justin said. "Think you'd be up for an encore, Hermione?"

"Oh no, once was quite enough." I took another bite of my Sheppard's pie. I happened to look over at Ron, and I noticed he wasn't laughing. Or smiling. Or showing normal signs of life. He was sitting in a chair, staring down at a textbook like it had done him and his family personal harm. Curious, I got up and went over to him.

"Hey, 'Mione," he said, sensing my approach. "Now isn't a good time. Brilliant prank and all, but not a good time."

"Why? Exams are over," I pointed out.

"Yeah?" Ron looked up at me. He was angry. What'd I say? "I only could study for the exams by asking for extensions on my homework. Now I'm weeks behind and I have no clue how I'm supposed to catch up."

"I'm sure you'll manage,' I said. "I can help you make a schedule. We can work together-"

"Your bloody schedules are useless! I'm not cut out for school like you are. I can't get all bloody O's and be every teacher's pet. Hell, you even have the greasy git in your pocket now."

"Ronald!" Ginny chided, but Ron held up a hand.

"I'm just done with it. I'm sorry, but I'm going to talk to Dumbledore. Minister Shacklebolt offered to let us into Auror training without our N.E.W.T.S., so I'm going to take him up on his offer." He paused. "I'm sorry, Hermione. I just can't do it. You pressured us into coming back, but I can't. I can't go from fighting Riddle to doing rubbish star charts. I need to be doing something more than that."

With that, Ron took his leave. The room was silent in his wake.

"Bit of a buzz kill, eh?" Justin said, trying to ease the tension. I put down my food- one of the house elves would attend to it- and quietly went up to my room. Crookshanks was waiting on my bed with a dead mouse. I supposed it was revenge for Hypatia. Vanishing it, I took the fluffy half-kneazle in my arms and laid down.

"It isn't my fault, Crooks. It isn't," I said, sniffing. Crookshanks meowed in return, twisting to make himself more comfortable. "I didn't pressure him to come back. I just pointed out that with his N.E.W.T.S. he could always be something other than an Auror." I sniffed again. "He's a big boy. He made the decision all on his own."

"Meow."

I hugged Crooks tighter- he didn't like _that_, not one bit- and cried myself to sleep. It was the official end of the Golden Trio. For eight years we'd been together, and now it was all over. I hadn't felt this bad when he'd left us while we'd been hunting the Horcruxes. I knew, somehow, that he'd come back to us. It's why I'd kept looking for him.

But now… there wasn't going to be a Year Nine. There were no more adventures to stop Riddle, no more sneaking out of bounds. I'd been so adamant about coming back for this year to try to recapture the innocence of my childhood. I should have known that that would have been impossible after I'd stared fired killing curses as Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Snape will be so happy," I whispered to Crookshanks, who'd progressed to purring loudly. "No more Dream Team." The half-kneazle licked my hand, trying to comfort me. "It isn't going to be the same, Crooks. I'm not going to join Ron and Harry in Auror training. They're going to be off hunting down Dark wizards and drinking with Draco after work- well, if they don't hex each other to Akzaban first- and I'm going to be… off living another life. Being an adult. Dealing with adult things."

Crookshanks had no reply to that. I closed my eyes, thought of better times, and allowed his purring to lure me to sleep.

-Number 2-

A week later, Harry left. If I thought Ron's leaving had been bad, having them both leave within a fortnight almost killed me. I locked myself up in my room and would only allow Ginny and Luna to visit me, and that was just to bring me food. Our quarters shrank back to the traditional Head Girl and Head Boy dorms, and I could tell that Justin was avoiding the common room just as much as I was. Without the group and the pranks as a buffer, we had nothing in common. It was just awkward.

"Miss Granger, dozing off in the library? What if you got drool on your books? I shall have to alert Madam Pince to such an offence."

"I wasn't sleeping," I replied, though I may have slipped into a mildly comatose state.

"Should I ward myself? Or are you ready to admit defeat in this juvenile prank war?"

"If it's so juvenile, why are you participating?"

"Impertinent chit," Snape replied. I finally looked up. Then I did a double take. His skin no longer had the vampire quality it once did. It was absurdly tan. I didn't know if it was some sort of potion's accident, or if him and McGonagall had gotten into a fight… or perhaps if he'd taken my song to heart. I knew it wasn't the articles, because Ginny had sent the last one over the hols, and it had been about parachuting and nail care.

"Sir…" I trailed off. Maybe it was for the best if I didn't mention it. Instead, if only to prove that I wasn't admitting defeat, I pulled the list out of my bag and picked the first number that was immediately feasible. "Sir, my pet werewolf is missing, have you seen him? I believe I lost him somewhere around the area of your quarters."

"Har-de-har, Miss Granger," he said. To my surprise, he sat down across from me as I put the list back away. I looked around, but this area of the library was deserted. "Dare I ask why you are acting like a Niffler deprived of its gold?" He paused. "This doesn't have anything to do with the Bumbling Duo's departure, does it?"

"Why Professor Snape, I didn't know you cared," I said. He simply raised an eyebrow and sat back, awaiting my reply. I sighed and closed my (completely drool-less!) book. "Yes, it has everything to do with them leaving. I thought that this year would be fun- you know, one last chance for everything to be like the good old days- and now I'm all alone again."

"The good old days, Miss Granger?" Snape asked. His eyebrows shot to his hairline. "First Year, your DADA teacher had the Dark Lord coming out of the back of his head, and he tried to kill your precious Potter. Second Year, you were Petrified by a basilisk, not to mention your incident with the Polyjuice Potion that left you with even more fluff than you sport today," he said, pointedly looking at my hair. "Third Year," he continued, ticking it off on his finger, "you were almost killed by a werewolf, not to mention the Dementors lurking about the castle. Fourth Year, a mad Death Eater infiltrated the school and tried to kill Potter once again, not to mention you were the unlucky victim to have been frozen and stuck under the Black Lake. Fifth Year, you ended the year by visiting the Department of Mysteries, losing Potter's dogfather and giving you a rather nasty curse scar from Dolohov, not to mention having to live under the rule of Madam Toad. Sixth Year- oh, yes, that was the year I faked killing Dumbledore, and then Seventh Year- well, there's rather too much to be summoned up in a sentence, though it is suffice to say that neither of us had a pleasant year. But now we've come to your Eighth Year, were you're free to study without the threat of the Dark Lord looming of your head, without the threat of even _me_ looming over your head, and you're complaining?" He looked down his nose at me. "Miss Granger, may I ask if you have some kind of hero complex? Or a death wish, perhaps?"

"Thank you, for that," I replied, rolling my eyes. "I know we were in constant danger and everything, but _that_ was my entire schooling. I only started doing the pranks because I didn't know what to do with myself. It isn't like studying is taking up very much of my time. If I could keep up with my studies all those years, I can certainly do it now." I glanced up at Snape. He didn't seem to be on the verge of a _know-it-all _comment, so I continued. "And without Ron and Harry here to distract me and beg me to _revise_ their essays…"

"You're falling asleep in your Ancient Rune's book?" Snape asked.

"Yes. That about covers it, sir." Snape nodded thoughtfully. He looked like he was going to make a suggestion, but instead he got up and walked away without another word. I waited for him to return, possibly with some kind of amusing self-help book, but it seems as if he'd really just walked away.

Prick.

I packed up my things and headed back to my dorm to get ready for dinner. I received a lot of strange looks on the way, but I ignored them. It wasn't the first time I'd walked down the halls without either Ron or Harry by my side. They could get used to it.

"Hullo, Hermione," Justin said when I entered. He was reading and barely glanced up at me.

"Hey, Justin," I replied. Justin nodded and glanced up once more. Then he seemed to do a double take.

"Er, Hermione? Did you know that your hair is green?"

"Is it really?" I asked, bemused. Justin nodded. I turned and went into the bathroom, seeing that yes, indeed, my hair was green. With silver highlights. Well played, Snape. Well played.

I was less impressed ten minutes later when I couldn't undo the charm. My hair refused to go back to normal. I wrapped my head in a Gryffindor scarf, hoping that it more or less covered up the Slytherin colors, and went to dinner. Ginny was chatting to her Seventh Year friends, so I ended up sitting next to Colin Creevey, who wouldn't stop talking about- well, anything, really.

Halfway through dinner, an owl came and landed on my plate. Not only did the rude bird step all over my food, but it also spat a letter at me and took off with my scarf. I recalled it with an _Accio_, but by then the entire Great Hall had seen my hair. Bugger it all.

To top things off, Snape was smirking at me from the High Table. Point to Snape, then.

I opened the letter, ignoring the questions and whispers about my hair.

"_Miss Granger,_

_It is always nice to have choices in life. Either you may keep your new hair until the end of the month, or you may take a detention with me and help stock the potions for the Infirmary. Should you decide green and silver is not your color, come to my office after breakfast tomorrow._

_Until then,_

_SS"_

I glanced back up at Snape, but he just raised an eyebrow, as if to put the ball back into my court. He couldn't honestly think that I'd keep the hair, so detention it would be. I hoped that these detentions weren't actually being recorded, though. If so, he was really messing with my record.

I realized that the paper had to be charmed, because Colin was reading it over my shoulder and ask suddenly if I really could understand Gobbledegook. Deciding to pay more attention to whatever it was he was saying, I jumped back into the conversation, realizing that if Severus Snape was making an effort to cheer me up, I must really been acting pathetic.

* * *

**A/N:** As a warning, the story will probably be ending around chapter ten. There just isn't enough plot to keep it going beyond then. I'm also running out of pranks :p  
That being said, I'll try to get the rest of the story up in a timely matter. (I'm posting fast now and ignoring any errors that may be there. I'll get those later...) However, whatever I don't post by Friday will take probably two or three weeks to get posted. As a warning.

Thanks for everyone who's reviewed so far! Keep it coming :)


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

-Number 25-

"Very clever," I said in lieu of a greeting. "Change it back before I'm forced to take drastic actions."

"What a Gryffindor threat," Snape replied, waving his wand. I grabbed a lock of hair and pulled in front of my face, confirming that it was now back to its natural color. Thank Merlin. "I thought you looked much better in Slytherin colors."

"I think you'd look better like this," I muttered, pushing past him and casting a spell covertly. Luckily, he didn't hear me.

"Onto the brewing, then. We have the entire list to cover, and only the weekend to do it. I will start with the Anti-Paralysis Potion, and you may brew the Antidote to Common Poisons. We'll work our way down the list and get as much done as we can. Only Pepperup will need more than one cauldron."

He hadn't yet noticed that he was sporting dreadlocks. Tit for tat, as he had said. This hair went _much_ better with his absurdly tan skin. Was he _trying_ to look like Lockhart? One more vanity charm and I'd have to sit him down for a talk.

We set up in Snape's lab and began brewing. About fifteen minutes in, Snape noticed his hair and muttered, "Honestly, Miss Granger. Completely lacking in originality," and cancelled the charm. We worked in near-silence for a matter of hours, with the only break being me pestering him.

"Contraceptive Potion?" I asked, reading the next thing on the list. Snape turned and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Preparing for Valentine's Day, Miss Granger. Surely you are not so innocent that you're unaware of your location at a _boarding school_?"

I snorted. "Should I brew an extra batch for you? Just in case Trelawney comes down from her tower?"

"I think not." His face showed the horror of such a prospect. "How is your Bulgarian, anyways?"

"Krum is fine. Engaged, actually. So he's not _my_ Bulgarian."

"Ah, to be young and feel love's keen sting."

"Quoting Dumbledore now, are you?"

"_Professor_ Dumbledore."

"You may call me Hermione," I replied graciously as I chopped dandelion roots into little chunks. I had never made Contraceptive Potion before, but the directions in the book Snape had handed to me were quite clear. Even his scribbling in the margins was more or less legible.

"Insufferable!"

"No, no, it's Hermione. Her-my-oh-nee."

"You were aware that Skacklebolt's invitation extended to yourself as well, weren't you? You may leave at any time. I shall even help you pack." He reached over without a word to correct my chopping technique, pointing out one of his little side notes that said _"Chop roots ragged, results in smoother base"._

We worked silently once more until the sight of a rat spleen made my stomach growl.

"Sir, do you think we could take a break to visit the Great Hall? I realize this is a _detention_, but I've grown rather fond of food over the years. It keeps me alive, you see."

"Very well, Miss Granger. As a concession to your weakness, we may take a break," Snape said. He cast the Stasis Charm on his potion. I'd just finished my potion, so I was set to go.

"I was serious about calling me Hermione, sir. You're the only professor who still calls me Miss Granger. I feel like after I've been in your bedchamber, calling me Hermione is pretty innocuous."

Snape looked down his nose at me, wiping his hands on a rag and motioning me to leave the lab first. Vaguely paranoid, I cast a light shield around me, just in case. "Very well, _Hermione_. You may call me… Professor Snape. Or sir. Whichever takes your fancy."

"How gracious of you, sir," I said, though I had expected no less.

-Number 72-

In the spirit of spring, I learned a charm that would make a person sprout flowers from any number of places. I cast it at Snape in the middle of dinner, and he didn't notice until Dumbledore had commented on his festive spirit. Snape had commenced with ripping the flowers out from where they'd taken root in his hair and robes, and as he'd stormed out of the Great Hall I'd heard Professor Sprout say, "And that, Neville, is a perfect demonstration on the improper way to weed peonies."

The next day, a large family of bowtruckles had made themselves at home in my sock drawer. It took a majority of the day to get rid of them.

-Number 87-

Every time we brewed together, I offered him sweets, insisting he try the green ones. Finally, when he again asked for my help with the Wolfsbane, he responded in kind.

"Unlike when you brewed Polyjuice, we will lower the heat after stirring for thirteen minutes."

"Unlike when you brewed Polyjuice, add the serum three drops to every clockwise stir until you've added twenty-four drops."

"Unlike when you brewed Polyjuice, keep that abomination you call hair out of the potion and help me bottle this."

"Enough!" I exclaimed, after hearing him tease me for the whole day. He'd let me help with even more of the potion this time. I would have left if it hadn't been for the fact that it was a learning opportunity I couldn't pass up. However, I had considered the possibility of a long-lasting Silencing Spell.

"Excuse me?" Snape asked, not looking up from his work. He was putting the bottles of potion into crates. I was putting stoppers in the bottle, catching the blue smoke from escaping, and handing the bottles to him. He made certain that our hands didn't brush, which was fine, because I didn't want his Cooties either.

"Enough, _sir_," I corrected.

"Then stop offering your damnable sweets."

"But maybe if you took one you'd have a sweeter disposition."

Snape snorted, startling me into dropping one of the stoppers. "Not likely." We finished up putting the potion in the crates. "You may wait in my office until I return. Kindly refrain from breaking, Transfiguring, or stealing anything, Miss Granger."

"When have I ever stolen anything?" I asked.

"I seem to recall the ingredients for a certain _Polyjuice Potion _went missing after a firework went off in the middle of my class."

"Oh, but that doesn't count." I waved it away. "I promise not to misbehave," I said, at the same time wondered why he didn't just dismiss me. What else could there be to do? Despite Snape's unorganized bedroom, he kept the lab clean, and there wasn't even anything to clean up.

However, I sat like the good little student I was and waited while he Flooed away. I got a little bored after sitting there for twenty minutes, and tried an _"Accio Snape's Diary_!" in vain. A little after that, he returned to his office with Remus in tow.

"Remus!" I exclaimed, hopping up and hugging him. "How have you been?"

"Excellent. Tonks and Teddy are doing fine as well. I would have brought pictures of Teddy if I would've known that I'd be seeing you here," he said. I stepped back. I noticed that he'd begun putting weight on, making him look less like a skeleton, and his cheeks were glowing with warmth. I was happy for him.

"What, you would have snuck away without saying hello to any of us?" I asked. How long has he been coming to get his potions and not stopping in?

"I wouldn't want to interrupt your studies," Lupin said.

"Are you kidding? Don't be silly. Next time you're here, stop in to say high. Our common room is the old Head Girl and Boy's rooms. I'd love to see you more often. Ginny and Luna would too."

"As much as I loathe to interrupt this reunion, may we move this touching scene to my quarters, so that I may at least sit down while I watch you two throw pleasantries around?" Snape asked. Again, I was confused.

"What?" I said stupidly. "Doesn't Remus just need the potion?"

"I already took it," Lupin said. "Snape fetched me with his Patronus. I'm here because…" he trailed off sheepishly and looked to the ground. "Well, with Teddy, you see, we haven't quite figured out where I'm going to stay each full moon…"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "Will you spend the night in the Room of Requirement?"

"Unfortunately not. Some _miscreant_ students blew the room up with a dark curse. Would you know anything about that, Miss Granger?"

"_I _wasn't the one that cast it," I replied. Honestly. He made it sound like I engineered the whole war simply to inconvenience him with Lupin's presence

"Nevertheless, Lupin will be spending his nights howling in my sitting room until a better location is decided upon. I thought, after the work you put into the potion, that you'd like to see the effects Wolfsbane has on the transformation. I trust you remember Lupin's transformation from your third year?"

"Yes," I said. I shivered despite myself. "But I wouldn't want to intrude, you're not a lab rat-"

"Don't worry about it, Hermione," Lupin said. He smiled. "I know Severus's potion works, so you won't be in any danger. So long as you're gone before I change back… it won't be a problem. Unless it would make you uncomfortable, in which case I'll tell you not to let Severus bully you into anything."

Snape made a quiet noise of annoyance and rolled his eyes. He strode to the door, apparently unwilling to wait for us, and made his way to his chambers. Excited that I was about to learn a lesson beyond anything Slughorn could ever teach me, I took Lupin's arm and walked with him to Snape's rooms. This time, I didn't have to dismantle any wards to get in.

"We haven approximately an hour before the moon is set to rise," Snape said. "Care for a drink, anyone? Oh, not you, Lupin. The effects of Wolfsbane haven't been tested when mixed with alcohol. Shall I have the house elves fetch you a nice dish of water?"

I opened my mouth to protest his treatment of poor Remus, but the man in question was smiling. "No thank you, Severus. I'm quite alright, at the moment."

"Miss Granger, then," he said, holding up a bottle of Old Ogden's. I was going to protest before I saw the measly amount he'd poured into the glass. He handed it to me with a smirk. "You're what we would call a lightweight. It wouldn't do to send you back to your dorm on wobbling legs."

I noticed that Remus's eyebrows had steadily climbed to his hairline, but he made no comment and quickly schooled his expression before Snape turned around from pouring his own glass.

"Do stay off my furniture. I wouldn't want you chewing on it," Snape said. Remus made no comment and transfigured his handkerchief into a chair. I myself took a seat on Snape's love seat- after pushing a stack of books out of the way- and sipped on the spit of Firewhiskey in my glass. I was surprised that Snape had offered me alcohol, but then again I was nineteen and I had been in his bedchamber. Lesson: _You get away with a lot more once you've crept up on someone while they were sleeping._

About a half hour passed, and Remus got up and turned his chair back. He stepped out of the room and into what I was pretty sure was Snape's bathroom, and when he came back he was in a Muggle t-shirt and athletic shorts. I raised an eyebrow, but Snape showed no signs of surprise.

"I didn't want to ruin good robes," Remus explained. "Severus, I Transfigured two of your towels, I hope you don't mind."

"Feel free to take my person belongings and turn them into whatever you wish," Snape said, "but it will be you who has to answer to the house elves in the morning."

Remus ignored him. "Usually I just undress, it's just easier that way. Severus has been very kind to allow me to use his quarters. Not many people would consent to have a werewolf in their sitting room let alone an unconscious naked man greeting them in the morning."

"He's been singing my praises ever since Dumbledore forced me to offer him the space. It's pathetic, really," Snape said, rolling his eyes. Before Remus could reply, Snape glanced at the clock and rose from his chair. "Miss Granger, I suggest that you stand back," he said. I got up and stood next to him as he used his wand to move the furniture out of the way. We stood with our backs to Snape's bedroom door. The bookcases were behind Remus, but I saw a faint glow on them that told me Snape had warded them.

"Not much longer," Remus said with a pained smile. He'd been calm up until that point, but his face was beginning to show signs of strain. His muscles were tensed, and he backed up from us as far as possible. A few tense minutes passed before I saw a noticeable change.

"Miss Granger, keep in mind that he will not hurt you. He will be fully in control when he turns," Snape said firmly. It wasn't until I felt his chest against my back that I realized that I'd been backing up. Blushing, I stepped to the side and tried to remember that Remus wouldn't hurt a fly.

However, I didn't stay convinced of this when Remus began transforming. His pupils went first, dilating and changing color, and when I got over that shock I realized that his legs were growing, stretching and becoming covered in fur. His face was turning into more of a snout, and out of his fingers came long claws. Then the whining started, a terrible, pitiful moan of pain, and before me stood a full-grown werewolf. He was panting, and saliva dripped off his teeth. He looked me in the eye, and the next second Snape disarmed me.

"Hermione, the potion will keep him in check, and he will remember any hexes you throw his way in the morning," Snape said, returning my wand. I blushed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't even realize that I was holding it. Reflex, I guess."

Remus whined and nodded, then sat on his haunches like a dog. He began scratching behind his ears with his back leg, then let his tongue loll out as he moved to sprawl out on the floor. Knowing he was purposely being ridiculous to make me feel more at ease, I giggled.

"What's your next trick, shall you fetch something for us?" Snape asked. Remus raised one shaggy eyebrow, as if to say _You realize I have fangs now, right? _"As you can see, Lupin is perfectly in control of the werewolf body. You may have observed that Wolfsbane does nothing for the pain of the transformation. Much testing has been done to try to retain brain function while also numbing the victim, but in all cases the werewolf took over. Judging by how quickly they were ready to attack, the pain of the transformation had been reduced, but it simply isn't safe to test until there is an ingredient found that will not tamper with the clarifying ingredients of the potion."

"And is anyone working on a cure?" I asked.

"Miss Granger, are you daft? Such a potion would be worth millions. Every potioneer- from ones brewing in their mother's kitchen to Masters with state-of-the-art labs- has tried dabbling with a cure. However, many lack the Arithmacy skills to prove the potential of their potion and get their final products in the running for being tested."

"Have you ever tried making a cure?"

"I said _every _potioneer. Now, it's getting late. Being an Eighth Year does not exempt you from the rules of curfew."

"But it does for drinking?" I asked, amused. Snape glared down at me.

"Off you go now. I've had quite enough of entertaining for the night." He walked over to the door- past Remus, who was watching us quietly with his head on his paws- and opened it for me in less of a gentleman-like manner and more in a don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out manner. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Goodnight, _sir_."

"Goodnight, Hermione. Tomorrow I shall find a First Year Gryffindor and deduct five points for your cheek."

"Just my one cheek? Not the other three?" I asked flippantly. Snape closed the door, but not before I heard a loud bark-like howl from Remus. I shrugged. Perhaps that was a werewolf's idea of laughing.

I got back to the common room to find that Justin was still up studying. I gave him a friendly wave. He glanced up at me, then his eyes stayed fixed on my head. I sighed. Brewing was the best way to give yourself a bad hair day.

"Goodnight, Justin," I said.

"Are you supposed to have cat ears?" he asked as I approached my door.

"I have cat ears?" I asked. I reached up and felt my head. Indeed, there were what felt like cat ears on top of my head in addition to my regular ears. "I guess I do," I said, bemused.

"Are they from Snape?"

"Professor Snape," I corrected automatically, though I myself had been less than perfect about addressing him by his proper title lately. "We were brewing. I guess he hexed me while I was leaving."

"Hmmm," Justin said, nodding. "Do you spend all your time with Snape now?"

"_Professor_ Snape," I said again. "And not really. I go to the library and study a lot. I just am helping him brew whenever he needs it."

"Oh." That seemed to be the end of it, so I went into my room and warded the doors. The ears came off easily, unlike the hair. I couldn't decide if Snape wanted to spare me the pains of going to breakfast with cat ears or if he didn't want to advertise our little prank war. Either way, he'd gotten me back fully, so it meant that it was time for me to think of a way to return the favor.

* * *

**A/N:** I don't know if this chapter flows very well or not, I wrote the Wolfsbane part before the rest of it then blended it together. Sorry for the delay, but expect a bigger one as the norm from now on, because there was very little left to finish in this and it still took me forever because I just started college.  
So yeah. And my roommate sucks, so if you'd like to leave a review and cheer me up, that'd be great. Also, thank you everyone who's reviewed! Sorry if I don't reply to you, I really do enjoy reading them all, but I'm only replying to people who have questions instead of sending out a bunch of "Thanks!" :p


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